Drove north as I watched the sun rise

So I wrote this a month ago, wanted to share it still.

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Watching the clouds clear away to the sun was like realizing I’ve ended up in a place I never expected to be. I watched the bus roll away slowly around 6:10 this morning. Took a shower. And decided my mental health was at stake here, so I should leave, and leave now. A rough ride home, the farther north I got, the more snow I saw, and the more ice I drove on. Lost control of my car at one point on a bridge that was solid ice. I enjoyed the cop just watching to see what would happen. As I continued on my way, I discovered I’ve become someone I don’t recognize. I never thought I’d be this person. This girl. Who does stupid things. Just to feel better for a little bit. Not realizing the pain I’ll cause myself later. As I watched the bus drive away, the thing that hurt the most was that it seemed like my dream was driving away. I enjoy getting to know these guys. Now reader, realize there is nothing there with any of them. Three are married, one in a serious relationship. Another, your “typical guy,” who I’m closest with, of course, such is my life. And two I’m still trying to figure out. Those two are my favorites. I want to keep going to get to know these two, to learn, to watch them do what I once dreamt. But I don’t want to be “that girl.” I’m not her. But I see myself slowly become her. And that’s why it felt like my dream disappearing into the distance with the bus. How can I not be “her” and still go out to learn? There’s a fine line and I’m walking it, hell, I‘m dancing on it. As I drove north and watched the sun rise, I watched the clouds clear not only in the sky but in my life to see what I’ve become.

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Currently, I'm in a different state of mind than I was a month ago. I've grown up, grown stronger, and grown apart. Still I search to see what I can obtain from these acquaintances of mine. Still trying to keep in touch with at least the one I can call a friend. But hopefully no more the "that girl."