life in austin

so it's been a very long while since i have updated.  i've been so busy.  all i do is work and sleep, literally.  it kinda sucks, but i'm trying to prove myself in my newest business. 

i'm currently living in my third and final place in austin, i got kicked out of my friend's over a month ago.  i was friends with this girl in high school and she helped me move out after austin kicked me out and said i could sleep on her couch "as long as i needed."  cool.  only her roommate is a prude.  and planted some obscure images in her head that the latest guy i'm dating had a key to the apartment and was rummaging the place while we weren't there.  so i got kicked out.  haven't spoken to my friend since. 

i no longer work at the restaurant.  i quit awhile back because there was too much bs and drama and it just wasn't working out.  and working a full time and part time job just wasn't working out either. 

i'm living with the guy i've been dating.  i've been here for a few weeks now, we started dating around halloween.  he's my boss, well kinda.  he's the guy that hired me, the assistant manager of the company, so yeah, kinda my boss.  there's a lot of crap that comes with it in the office, such as the owner being a hypocritical bitch and not liking us together although she's been dating the guy that hired her for god knows how long.  i like this guy.  he met my parents on thanksgiving.  he's meeting my mom's side this next weekend for family christmas.  i'm meeting his parents during christmas.  it's my very first major holiday i'm not going home.  it broke my mom's heart.  but i'm growing up, and i have a guy who means a lot to me in my life now.  in january we are moving out of austin to go to houson for a few months before moving to denver.  he's opening up his own office out there, but first has to open a satellite office in houston to prove to the company he can run a business.  so in a few weeks he will be my actual boss.  and we'll be living in houston together.  and then denver.  to start a life together.  weird.

my job is kinda cool.  i work WAY too much though.  it was a great job when i first started, good hours, not bad pay, awesome coworkers.  now the hours changed and i work 12 hour days.  i wake up at 6:30am, leave by 7:30, work 8:30am-7:30pm.  sometimes we don't get home until 9.  so i eat and fall asleep in boss' lap as we watch tv on the couch.  and i work 6 days a week.  i can't take it any more.  i'm over worked, exhausted, and i'm not taking care of my body.  but i've been fighting to prove to myself and everyone else (mainly the owner) that i can make it in this business.  and i think i might finally get my promotion by the end of next week.  next step, houston.

i'm so ready to be out of austin.  i know, i know, i was so excited to move here.  but i've been kicked out of two places, i have nothing tying my here, things haven't seemed to work out, so why not continue to find my place in the world.  i'm still young.  granted, i didn't try too hard to make life work here, i just let things happen and fall into place.  just didn't expect to move three times within my first two months.  i'm happy with where i'm at in life, and i'm happy with boss, so i'm going to go experience life with him. 

that's basically my life right now.  work.  boss.  work.  exciting huh?

procrastination and three jobs

they don't go hand in hand together, let me tell you.

i'm been severely busy as of late, and it won't stop for a while.  so posts might come few and far between. 

i don't have time for anyone on my laundry list and i'm done playing games for now.

i now have two jobs, one full time, one part time.  i might lose the part time when i tell them i can't work one of the three shifts they actually give me.  it will suck, but i'll get my weekend nights back.  i work on fort hood often and see those men in uniforms nonstop.  but almost all army guys are the same, they are all hornballs who cheat and lie and cause nothing but drama and bullsh*t.  but i still have my guy in there.  army is a friend from high school, one of my best friends, been there through thick and thin.  and we are discussing the signing of a legal document.  like, legit considering it.  me.  really?  wow.  but for all the wrong reasons, and it's not actually serious.

but there is a new guy i'm interested in.  big boss man.  he's not really the boss, but he did hire me, and he is above me in rank at my new job.  and it's already caused drama.  fml.  and like i said, i'm done playing games.  i need to discuss the situation with him and let him know what's going on in my head.

i finally saw austin.  we're going to try to be friends.  it was awkward seeing him.  but he finally has his key back.  and i sent him a drunk text the other night.  that was fun.  (note the sarcasm)

emo is gone.  sad day.  i didn't get to see him one last time, but i wish him all the best for sure.  mma is your typical douche.  i get to work with him and twin tonight.  this guy looks identical to a guy i worked with in college, only more muscular and f-ing GORGEOUS!  i like him.  he's fun.  but if the legal document does in fact get signed, all hell will break lose and the flood gates of drama will burst, and bullshit will be had.  life will get kicked up to a whole new level that i've never seen before.  i just don't have the time or energy for that with these two jobs.

my next step

so after doing some pondering for a week or two i have finally decided what my next step is.  i'm the type that fully believes in following your dreams because they do come true.  by the age of 24 i accomplished my life long dream of being a sound engineer.  on to the next now.  i thought about becoming a baker.  i've wanted to for a while now, thought briefly about going to culinary school once i get some funds, but i had an epiphany.  i am going to become an event/wedding planner.  i've wanted to, not for as long as the baker thing, but i do want to.  and i think it's the right move for me right now.  it was a light bulb type moment once i realized that i can, and so i am.  but how?  not sure yet.  just starting to look into it now.  i am the girl who's been planning her wedding since i was a little girl.  and so naturally, i guess, it's something that i want to do: plan other people's fairy tale weddings.  and i think i'm at a point in my life where it seems like a good move.  so yeah, that's my next goal to aim for, my next dream to follow, my next step to take.

onto the next *EDIT*

so it's been a week since the whole fiasco unfolded.  i am sleeping on an air mattress in my friend's dinning room, which we made into my make-shift room.  it works, i guess.  it'll have to do, at least.  this is not one of my brightest ideas i'm sure, kind of like the utah idea.  i'm losing money being in austin, but i love this city and i want to stay.  however, i had an interview with a theatre out in florida.  i haven't been offered the job yet and it was a pretty bad interview, whatever.  i can survive on the pay out there, they provide housing, it's a great job for the resume, blah blah blah.  but it's a BIG move.  and it's still hurricane season, isn't it?  and i want to stay here.  i need to seriously consider all  my possibilities before they call me back, which should be by next week.  i just don't know.  i love the city.  i love being down here. 

i'm slowly making friends here.  my ex f*cked me over, but i'm on my feet, i'm surviving without his sorry ass helping me.  and i have my amazing friends and my job to thank.  i love my job, it's a sh*tty job, doesn't pay all my bills, but it's better than nothing.  i have had my schedule changed more times that i've been on the schedule at this point.  but i think i finally have a set schedule, we'll see what happens when i go into work tonight.  and yeah, it's not always ideal, i work grave shift thurs-sat and pull a double on sat.  i can't go out and party on 6th street with every other normal person in austin, but i like my job so i'll take what i can get.  and my customers have helped me deal with the bullsh*t of last week.  i have drunk (and sober) guys coming in at all hours of the night telling me how pretty i am, giving me thier number, and asking to hang out after work.  and a few coworkers have done the same.  keep feeding the ego guys, i'm loving it!  it has made me, not necessarily get over, but at least feel better about austin and the situation that i've been thrown into.  it's not ideal, but it's working for now. 

i'm looking for a second job.  i know i won't be able to partake in theatre any time soon with this work schedule, but i've accomplished that dream.  on to the next, right?  i still haven't fully thought about what life would be like without the one thing that i've had for the past ten plus years of my life.  can i live without theatre?  i think so.  maybe.  i'm also looking at my next dream, seeing where i want to take my life from here.  i've found the place i want to settle down.  now i just need to figure out my next career move, be it in or out of theatre.  i've always wanted to be a baker, making wedding cakes, cupcakes, cookies, whatever, just sharing love through sweets.  so i think that's my next step.  maybe.  i need money to get into culinary school.  maybe i'll just stay in the dinning room on an air mattress in my friend's apartment while i do some soul searching.

i have started dating again.  i used to hate dating.  and i haven't done it in so long.  i dated a guy in utah (aka tn) a few years ago.  i've gone out as friends with some guys.  and i guess i've had a few single dates here and there.  but never been on a series of dates with a complete stranger since before i graduated college.  yet somehow i end up with guys all the time.  but i'm dating again.  and it's fun.  i'm more comfortable with myself than i was back in college, so i open up more, i'm less nervous on dates now.  let the laundry list begin!

there's this guy, emo, we'll call him, adorable, like seriously, i want to wrap him up in my pocket and keep him.  he's not completely attractive.  he has tattoo sleeves.  wears pants tighter than me.  dyed dark hair.  all black.  you know, the emo kid.  he's 27, plays guitar, looking to be an musician.  no real set goals, not really going anywhere in life.  he's actually about to move to nyc, best of luck to him.  i work with him, he's a pretty chill dude.  i like him.  when he's sober that is.  i don't know why i was naive and didn't put two and two together.  emo kid, why am i surprised he does some hard sh*t?  seriously?!  he's a different person when he's on drugs, still a cool dude, just not someone i want to spend time with.  but i've hung out with him a few times, he's chill, i like him.  i'm just meeting people.  he knows i don't do drugs and found an old friend and left with her last night from the bar.  that's cool, i made sure his friend made it home ok... ;)

bass.  he plays bass with emo.  cuter than emo, less tattoos, less emo, less druggie, so a better version of emo boy.  bass is in the same boat i am, down to a T.  (it's amazing how many people share my story of my current situation!)  moved down here to be with a chic, she's f*cked up, long story, he broke up with her about 6 weeks ago because she's not getting the help she needs.  he's still heart broken, dealing with getting over her, and i am doing the same with austin.  i doubt this will go anywhere, we just met last night, but i'm curious to see if we keep in touch.  and i'm curious to see what happens when i see emo at work in a few hours.

there's this other guy at work who got my number the same night emo did.  mma.  he has goals, ambitions, pretty cute, muscles.  but he reminds me of a friend in ft worth, looks almost identical, total turn off.  i gave him my number a week ago, still hasn't called.  i'm gonna have to have a talk with this kid.  i just want one date to see what he's like outside of work.  we flirt all the time there, so why won't he call?

two guys were in town for acl from san diego.  cuties.  got a number.  sd1 might move down here in the future.  he'll let me know if/when he does.  too bad sd2 was more attractive and more my type.  oh well.  i'm just having fun!  :)

haha, one more.  i've let this guy back into my life, probably a poor decision and i know it was for all the wrong reasons, but i did it, we'll see what happens.  i texted keys yesterday to let him know i was back in texas and living in austin.  we're planning to grab a drink in the near future to catch up.  i'm making sure austin knows we're friends.

**EDITED IN*  i forgot about a guy.  like i said, laundry list.  my manager.  bless his heart.  total cutie.  quirky (but aren't we all?)  and he has been flirting with me ever since he first laid eyes on me.  and i dig him.  but manager, really?  i can't do that, can i?  no.  no i can't.  i know that.  but my judgement skills are lacking currently.  grr.

one last thing to make my life oh so grand.  i still have the apartment key and gate card to austin's apartment.  do i text him and let him know?  do i just show up when he's not there and drop it off?  do i keep it until he asks for it back?  any input from my mystery readers???

sh*t has hit the fan

just when i thought my life was settling down i find out it's not.  i was drama free, happy, starting a new life in a new city with someone who i thought cared for me, i had a job, and a theatre gig.  now i'm stuck between a rock and a hard place with no where to go and no one who can really help.  i'm done trying to explain the situation, so if you know what happened then congratulations.  i will however post the downright rude text messages that i received for your reading pleasure.  in addition, i'll try to replay the entire conversation with my replies to the best of my memory.  enjoy!


her: hi beth. this is seans ex gf sarah. i was going through his stuff and found you're staying at his place. i will be in town tomorrow with 4 of my girlfriends staying at his place for acl weekend. just so you know.
me: um, ok. when are you coming into town?
her: tomorrow morning. i would clear out. i'm trying to work things out with sean so you being there isn't going to work.
me: um yeah no, i'm not leaving sorry.
her: ok well good thing i have a key. we will be there tomorrow morning. just wanted to give you a heads up. hope you have a blow up mattress.  :)
me: yeah um just so you know, i'm living here with him and not just as a roommate so any plan to get back with him isn't going to work out well for you. sorry.
her: lol, you've lived there for a week.  you're like a 5 and im a 10. i wouldn't be too confident sweetheart.
me: sure whatever you say.
her: (insert picture of her here) sorry, i'm more gorgeous than you. get out of my bfs apartment before things get ugly.
her: i could send more pics from my modeling portfolio if you're interested.
her: (insert another picture here)
me: and yet i'm the one who's living with him now, obviously i have something you don't.
her: lol, it's cute you think it's something more but snap out of it princess.
her: you're staying to find a job. i know you're unemployed i have a job and you're free loading. go back to your low budget apartment complex in south side dallas.
me: sweetie i have a job but thanks for your concern.
her: then why are you in austin looking for one? i heard mcdolalds is hiring!
me: honey, my job is in austin. why are you even worried about my life? there's a reason you're no longer with him, i'm sorry you're jealous.
her: lolololololol.  you're not with him that's all i know. we will have fun tonight at the show while you're at home. good thing i got that suite with him downtown ;) jealous? haha you wish
her: hey doll. we have had a great night so you might want to rethink the little camp site you set up at seans
 
 
 
i know she was bluffing the whole time, he had a show, so i know there was no suite.  i have no clue really as to how she found out my life story and my number, she hacked into sean's computer or something.  here's what i do know: i deserve better than him, he deserves better than her.  this is all just a f*cked up mess and i'm out.

big girl life

after a little over a year and a half of living the gypsy lifestyle i have settled down.  i have my first job interview tomorrow morning and first crew meeting for my first theatre gig in my new city.  i've always been fortunate enough to have a job lined up wherever i go.  i had a job right out of college, which is a rare thing this day and age.  now granted, it didn't pay the bills and support my habits and i lost money, but it was a decent job and it was something good to start my professional resume and career with.  then i went out of theatre for a month before finding a new job in a new city.  now after that job i had nowhere to go, so i moved back in with the parents at the ripe age of twenty three.  eventually i found some work bartending which lead to a bad time in my life but was able to get myself out of that hole and go back to the same place i had worked that previous summer.  i had my parents to support me while i was unemployed though, which was nice; i had a roof over my head, my meals paid for, all i had to do was pay my bills.  luckily i wasn't jobless for an extended period of time and made a good amount of cash bartending.  after i went back to the gig for the summer, i then had nothing else afterwards lined up.  i'm now twenty four, i no longer find it ok to live off of the parental support system, so i packed up my bags and moved in with a guy i know.  i still haven't officially moved in yet, it's a weird situation and neither of us are confrontational, so we're just going day by day at this point.  but as of tonight, i am here to stay, with no job, no income, and bills that still need to be paid.  but i have a glimpse of hope now with this interview.  hopefully, although a crappy job, i will get it.  and if i'm really lucky, i'll get a phone call from this other place that pays better and is full time, opposed to this part time minimum wage job.  and in the mean time, i have a theatre gig, although not a great gig, it's something.  it's volunteer for a, how should we say, interesting play.  but it will get me meeting new people and keep my foot in the theatre door, hopefully i will be able to work for the production company or the theatre after this show.  i'm still a stranger in a strange land, but i'm starting a new life in a new city.  a fresh start to this no longer gypsy.  i am content with life for now (although i think it might have a little to do with being drama free!).  bring on the big girl life!

a boy for every season

The time has finally come for an update for my life after the mac. I have since left ne behind and have not heard from him at all. I sent him a text and never got a response. Slightly upsetting, yet not surprising. He told me while we in ny that he had always kept in contact with me throughout our year apart, that is in fact a lie, the only time he did text me was out of the blue when he was drunk and/or heartbroken or upset. He used me to make him feel better all the while he did nothing but upset me and hurt me. And I’m finished. I’m through. I’ve had enough. I am walking away and I will never see him again and I’m more than ok with this. He can suck my ass. I wish him all the luck in his new badass job, however I hope he is out of my life completely now.


On my way back home I stopped to see ut because it was a free place to stay. I ended up being there for three nights and two whole days. I had a fun time there, met some of his coworkers, got to see some shows for free. I’ve not been able to actually sit down and watch a show without being a part of it in many years, so it was quite enjoyable. Of course I sat there and critiqued and compared each show to how I ran things. And I thought about how I would have done it differently. But I run my shows completely different than the way they do there. It was nice to see a theatre that was actually like a family, the way it’s supposed to be. My house was very distant from each other, no one really hung out, everyone was just there to do their job and go home. And everyone was always unhappy for whatever reason, no one actually wanted to be there. Not what I’m used to. I’m used to people hanging out together, going to bars, having family dinners, sitting around talking, just being an overall family. And this place was, I feel that it would be a good place for me to work. And the a2 is about to quit and his contract is almost up, so I might, hopefully, maybe, doubtful, but maybe be getting a phone call in a few months asking me to go out there. That’d be nice, but I doubt it. Plus I don’t think I can stand living with the ex. It’d be too painful, I’m still a jealous person and he still has feelings for me. He’s attached to me as I am to ne. I think I can still remain friends with ut, I’d kind of like that, he’s a good guy, I just can’t spend more than three days with him.

And now I’m home. Went to see my parents, they missed me, they’re glad I’m back. I just don’t feel like my room in their house is the place for me right now. It’s not where I belong currently, it’s nice though to be able to still have it to fall back on. Currently I’m in Austin visiting Austin. Things are where we left off. Texting all summer long definitely helped out relationship, we are not nearly as awkward as we were when I left. We know each other a little better now too. So we are closer. And it’s nice. I feel that there is definitely something here worth sticking around for. I like him, he’s cute, sweet, adorable, funny, and we have a lot in common, we also have a lot of differences. We are learning about each other, we are each full of surprises and it’s fun getting to know someone on an intimate level, it’s been a while for me, and I’m rather enjoying it. I’m still working out the details to see if I can in fact move down here. I’d like to, it’s a great place for me, so much culture and diversity, it’s city but also has country, there’s a lake, some good places to hiking, more places to just go walking, so much art, so much to do, so much food and alcohol. Like I said, it’s a great place for me, an artsy city girl who enjoys a good hike. We’ll see what happens. I’m on my toes for now going back and forth between Austin and Dallas just trying to figure out my next step in life.

week 18 (part 2) : the final chapter

Well this is goodbye, the end of you and me
We’ve set this boat ablaze and pushed it out to sea
And nothing that’s on board will survive
This is goodbye

Well this is goodbye, not the kind we’ve had before
We’re out of one more tries, there won’t be anymore
And all the grays have turned to black and white
This is goodbye

This is hard, this is hell
This is pain like I have never felt
This is final, love has failed
This is walking away from us to save ourselves
This is goodbye

Well this is goodbye, in my heart there’s no doubt
Cause I can feel the broken pieces trying to cut their way out
Some of them I know I’ll never find
This is goodbye

This is hard, this is hell
This is pain like I have never felt
This is final, love has failed
This is walking away from us to save ourselves
This is goodbye
This is final, love has failed
This is walking away from us to save ourselves
This is goodbye
This is goodbye

this is goodbye - randy rogers band



i've made new friends.  embedded memories into my mind.  had some laughs and i've shed some tears.  it is now time for me to leave this place, to close this chapter in my life.  it is very bittersweet.  i'm excited to go home but so very sad to say goodbye to these people who were my family over the course of the last few months.  i know i will never see any of these people again, and that's what hurts the most.  we became close, we were there for each other though the good times and the bad, we laughed together, drank a lot together, got into arguments, and now we all must move onto our next mission in life.  i can't keep doing this, i can't keep living this lifestyle.  i am so tired of packing my bags every few months and even more tired of leaving the people i care for.  i just want to forever be with those who i love, no saying goodbye.  life would be so much simpler.  and boring too, i'm sure.  but this is the gypsy life, the life of a freelancer.  my life.  and this is goodbye.

the fuzzy future of a worry wart

so i awoke this morning in the cold house a little distraught.  austin has been on my mind a lot as of late, but the fear of unemployment has been more of a burden in my thoughts.  as i have mentioned before, i have been painting this wonderful picture of my future, living unemployed in austin with him.  the time is getting nearer so i'm thinking about it more and more, getting more anxious with each passing day.  i know he is a sweetheart, he is kind and caring, a little shy.  since i don't know him fully, or at all really, i must imagine what else he might be like.  you know, the kind that will make sure others are happy before he his, a bit of a hard ass when it comes to work, if you piss him off (mainly the ppl he works with) he will eventually snap and will definitely laugh at you when you fail because he believes in karma (that last part is actually true, sorry drummer boy), the person who will offer whatever he can to ensure your well being.  ok, now with that last one being said, i can tell you that part might be fully true.  he did offer me his apartment to stay at, i suggested only while i was looking for a place of my own, he was talking full time.  that's wonderful, he's only there half the time with his job and it'll cut back his rent once i find a job, and will be fairly cheap comparatively with rent in austin for me; we'll go 50/50, it'll be great, right?  haha, no.  so i have come to realize that he has offered his place to many others as well, and not just anyone, the female kind.  um, ok, i know i haven't been there all summer, but we have talked about it at various points throughout.  and we discussed it a few days ago again.  and yet i still find all the girls posting on his facebook about "oh, hey, i'm coming to austin, can't wait to see you" "i'll be at the show, we should hang out" "hey, i'm moving to austin, you might get a new roomie".  what. the. hell?!  i know i'm jumping to conclusions here, but seriously?  you tell me time and time again that "you've been waiting for me to get back" "you haven't been with anyone" "you don't share well with others".  yeah, well things are nearly the same way with me buddy boy!  i was waiting too.  yes i flirted (ok, a lot) but i didn't get with anyone until i started seeing these messages for chics (and you even told me yourself that you have looked but never touched, honey i know you work for a band, you've seen more tits at shows than at a friggen strip club!!).  and i sure as hell don't share well with others!  aahhhh!!!  soon i will find out the truth.  i can't just bombard him with text messages asking him about all these girls, but i will mention it to him when i see him.  not for a while still though.  and if all else fails, i guess i'll have to move back to dallas in with my parents at the age of 24.  f.m.l.  i need a new career path.

week 18 (pt 1) : this is the end, my only friend, the end

in four days i leave.  i am ready.  i will miss my friends here but i need to leave.  ne causes nothing but pain and trouble any time we're around each other.  and i need him out of my life.  even though i care about him deep down and i always will.  but i need his unhealthy atmosphere away from me.  i know i will never see him again and it makes me sad but i need him out of my life again.  i'm more sane, i'm more level headed, i'm safe.  with him i get into trouble, i cause pain to myself, him, and everyone important in my life.  there's just too much emotional damage done and it's not yet over.  in four days i get to leave, drive to see ut to have my fun there.  that will cause more problems, but i can keep them from happening.  so long as i'm not an emotion wreck from saying goodbye to ne.  the light at the end of my tunnel is austin.  i cannot wait to see him again.  to be happy, to be with him, to have a normal relationship.

i have three days left of shows, four shows to run, and a half of a day of putting gear in storage.  four shows and i might not do theatre again for a long while.  i should cherish these last four shows in the next three days.  however the people at this theatre annoy me so.  making me excited to leave in four days.  it's a scale, when i'm away from the theatre i'm sad that i have four shows left.  when i'm there, i'm ready to run as fast as i can from here.  four shows.  then no more theatre.  four days then i'm away from the people who have driven me almost to an insane asylum.  i leave on monday.  four shows in three days, leave in four days. 

bitter.  sweet.

week 17 : down to the wire

this is my next to last post from the great state of new york.  in 12 days, if i'm lucky, if not then 13, i will be hitting the road again.  12 days.  damn.  i'm kind of in panic mode.  i have no job after here, no real plan.  my current plan is to go live off of hopes and dreams.  i've made it this far on them, so i should be ok.  beside, i know things will fall into place once i am back in my home state, and once i am settled into my new place of residence.  as i mentioned in my last blog, over the course of the last week i have grown farther apart from the one nearest and closer to one farthest.  i still seek companionship from ne, i still want someone to fall asleep next to, someone to cuddle with, and he was good for that.  but lately we've slept in our own beds.  i'm kind of upset about it, but i know that it's my fault.  i mention austin too much.  that's because he is the one i want to be with, i know he will make me happy.  dammit, i keep thinking he's going to be the greatest and i don't know him well enough yet.  i've only gotten to know him over the course of the summer via text and yet i'm painting all these wonderful pictures in my head of how much better my life will be once we are together.  i'm setting myself up for failure here.  i just see that austin is a much better person than ne and i know he won't put me through all the bullsh*t that ne has.  ne is like a tornado, same as me, we destroy things in our paths, we ruin relationships when we see that they are going well, it's part of why we used to fit together so well.  he sees that i care for austin though and he won't come near me, unless he's drunk that is, because then he will be all over me and i have to fight him off, which then pisses him off, and you know what, ne is an asshole.  i've always known this to be true, but everything looks better through rose colored glasses.  i need to find my pair again, life was better with them, oh i think i left them in texas actually, that would explain why this summer has sucked, at least part of the reason anyway.  where were we?  oh yeah, bitching about ne and praising austin.  i just want someone who genuinely cares about me, and i think he does.  however, i have picked up the drunken pieces of ne too many damn times and i've gotten nothing but drunk texts from austin lately.  i know he's unhappy at his job and wants me back but i am tired of picking up other peoples lives when i get nothing in return.  this another problem i have with ne and i hope austin will pull it together when i get there because i'm done.  i want to be cared for and loved like i do for others.  grr.  wow i really just needed a good rantfest because no one here is willing to listen as i am for them.  f*ck heads.  this is why i'm shooting for 12 days.  twelve.  t.w.e.l.v.e.  i can make it.  i've made it this far.  let's just hope i don't kill ne by then.

week 16 : wake me up when september ends

there has been so much yet so little that has happened.  too many drunken arguments with two different individuals.  a benefit for the murdered.  moonshine lullabies.  tears shed.  mistakes made.  regrets justified.  grown closer to the one far away and grew farther from the one nearest.  20 days and counting and my life is gonna go for another spin.  this might be my last theatre job for a while.  i can't wrap my head around anything right now.  i can't believe i've lasted all summer.  twenty days is right around the corner but i still have 8 performances of showboat and i still have to open birdie.  when looked at it show wise, the end is still so far, but twenty days, holy crap!

end of summer cabaret

we just had our end of season cabaret.  makes it seem more real that the summer is almost over.
we're a family here.  but once we leave, we will never see nor talk to anyone we grew close to.
that's the sad truth of it, it's how summer stock works.
23 more days until i leave.
next sunday most everyone will partake in their final day.
i'm saddened by this.  but after getting things a little more in order back home, i'm more than ready to leave.  i'm actually excited to visit home, to be with him.
i'm not saying good-bye yet though.  i refuse to.  i'm going to continue to smile and have a good time with my friends, my family, here. 

Kiss today goodbye,
The sweetness and the sorrow.
Wish me luck, the same to you.
But I can't regret
What I did for love, what I did for love.
Look my eyes are dry.
The gift was ours to borrow.
It's as if we always knew,
And I won't forget what I did for love,
What I did for love.
Gone,
Love is never gone.
As we travel on,
Love's what we'll remember.
Kiss today goodbye,
And point me t'ward tomorrow.
We did what we had to do.
Won't forget, can't regret
What I did for
Love
What I did for
Love
What I did for...
Love
Love is never gone
As we travel one
Love's what we'll remember
Kiss today goodbye.
And point me t'ward tomorrow.
Point me t'ward tomorrow
We did what we had to do.
Won't forget, can't regret
What I did for love.
What I did for love.
What I did for love.
Love
-"What I Did For Love" A Chorus Line

broken mirror, a letter to a friend

something i wrote to someone who i will never give it to:

why do i care?  why am i nice?  why do i put myself through hell to make you feel better?  why am i blaming myself for something that you did?  and again i ask, why do i care? 

i'm so sick and tired of trying to make you happy.  it's an impossible task and causes nothing but pain for me.  yeah, so, you're hurting, i've been there, which is why i tried to help in the first place.  but you can't be debbie downer for always and forever.  you can't mask your problems.  and alcohol will not make them disappear. 

i made a mistake by giving you the option to come out here.  but you made the first mistake by contacting me after months of silence.  why are you running?  what are you really running from?  you need to just deal with your problems head on so that you will quit moping around and quit being the town drunk.

if you want help, someone to listen, someone who won't judge you, i'm here.  just let it all out.  but i'm trying to fix something that you won't let come out.  until you open up, i'm out.  i can't deal with this.  grow up.  face your demons.  and let me be a friend, if nothing else.  don't shut out the only friend you have here.  you'll have nothing left and that will not help your problems.

i'm here for you when you are ready to open up.  i'm here for you as i always have been and always will be.  i'm here for you when you're never there for me.  i'm here for whatever you need.  i'm here for you when i know i shouldn't be.  through it all, i'm here for you.

week 15 : pipe dreams and broken records

things are moving slow as a snail here.  start week two of our three week show tomorrow.  and i'm tired of it already.  no recent development with ne.  and i'm content with this.  i don't need nor want anything serious to come out of it.  just keep each other company, deal with our demons, and leave each other behind again, probably to never see each other again.  although, we see where that statement got us last time.  ut is still always contacting me.  i don't mind.  probably just wants things to not be awkward when i get there to visit, like it was last time.  i like talking to him.  we're friends again.  it's nice.  atx formerly known as tx can't wait any longer for me to get there.  i've been asked a couple of times now what i what, who i see myself with, who's my ideal guy, what do i want out of each, etc.  here's my answer: i would, always have, wanted to end up with ne but i know it will never happen.  we are two very different people in very different parts of our lives always and still.  ut is a good person, he will always be attached to me, and a part of me will always be with him, i think we will always be friends, and if we ever end up in the same place we would date again, and i wouldn't mind that.  however it won't happen, or i don't think it will.  atx, well i just don't know about that one.  we were starting to get to know each other when i was there.  distance is continuing to tear us apart.  i'll be able to answer the questions pertaining to him in a month.  so for now, i'm gonna keep company with ne, go visit a newly redeveloped friend tn and have fun, then make it back to atx to pick up the pieces.  (broken record)

i have encountered my most difficult sound effect to date.  i need a specific recording of ed sullivan's voice.  i've had easy breezy sfxs up until now.  and i'm stuck on this one.  i don't know how i'm gonna find it.  any suggestions?  did i mention i hate birdie?  because i do.  i was in utah at a road house when the tour came through, since i was a girl i was put on wardrobe, followed around leads who walked all over me, and listened to annoying songs over and over.  and now i have to legit do it here.  i.  hate.  birdie.  and by the time i'm done with the show in ny, i will have a passion of hatred for the show.  i want this birdie to go bye bye.  and conrad, as for you, i don't love you, sorry.  (song: "we love you conrad, oh yes we do, we love you conrad.... ")  (broken record)

seeing as how i have less than a month left in this sh*t hole, i've started the dreaded job search.  no one is hiring.  i've sent my resume to a couple of places.  and searched the theatres in austin, but nothing is open.  i don't know what i'm going to do.  i just started the hunt and i'm already freaking out.  this isn't bueno.  i just want a position as an a2 at a road house, preferably in austin.  is that so much to ask? (pipe dream)

week 14 : scatter brained

alternate titles:
i hate that i can relate my life to the jersey shore
ronnie and sammie = me and ne  
here we go again
third time's a charm right? 

wrote this the day after ne arrived, meaning about 3 days ago or so:
this is my third time being with ne.  our second time to be reunited.  and we have yet again picked up where we left off.  i asked what his thoughts were on our situation and he said whatever i'm ok with is ok with him, it'd be nice if we got together but if it was too awkward then he understood.  we have a serious attraction to each other that's never gone away.  good news is i'm not in love with him anymore.  might pick that back up in the month that he's here.  not sure if i want to or not.  i mean, i do, but i don't want my heart to get broken again by this guy, he's done that a few times now.  i wrote him out of my life, was severely heartbroken, made a few mistakes, and eventually got over him.  i don't want to go through that again but i am definitely still attracted to him.  part of me wants to be with him, always has.  but i have this good thing going with tx and i want to see where that takes me to.  or am i just using tx to get a job?  my feelings are so mixed up right now with the addition of ne and not seeing tx in so long.  but everything happens for a reason.  i came to ny for a job, a job i didn't really want at the time (or throughout most of my time here) and now ne is back and i'm off to figure out life now and see if i can figure out that reason.

thoughts from today:
so things will probably never be the same.  and i'm ok with this.  i keep being reminded of the guy that i ran from, the guy i shut out of my life.  while it's nice to see him again, because it truly is, i'm ok with not seeing him again after this time spent in ny.  we're two different people.  always have been, but i've since changed while i lived in utah.  and unless he gets sober again (alcohol is his only drug) and unless he grows up, it's never going to work out.  and i've become content with this, so i believe as of now.

so my friend left last sat and while i was beyond annoyed with her, i'd do anything to trade her back in for my new roommate.  she's a smoker, or at least was, i'm not really sure.  i've only met her once, we've been on opposite schedules since her arrival, so who knows if my opinion will change.  but as of right now, i dislike her.  our room smells like stale cig smoke, and it gives me a head ache when enter into our room after a long day at the theatre.  i don't know how to prevent all my belongs from smelling the same, nor do i know how to not offend her.  but at this rate, it's gonna be a long month.

we open our last mainstage show tomorrow.  we still have our jr mainstage after that.  the end is near, yet so far away.  it's going to be a roller coaster, just like this whole summer has been.

ps, as for the ronnie and sammie/jersey show comparison:  i'm living with a guy i used to date.  i like the show, it makes me feel better about my life.  deal with it.

week 13 : bittersweet symphony

two people whom i grew close to left beginning of this week.  they went back to home to get ready for the upcoming semester.  oh college, life is somewhat dull without you.  but the real world is throwing me curve balls left and right currently.  i already miss dr cinnamon and mi.  i would have deep conversations with them, bitch fits, and lots of laughs.  family dinners are no more.  no more hippy meals.  no more pizza pizazz.  no more dirty dishes piled high.  no more used car lot parking lot.  i can't believe the summer is almost gone.  a few months ago i never though i would make it this far, but here i am, and there they go.  i lost two friends but i'm gaining another back.  someone i thought i would never see again, someone i was once in love with, someone who broke my heart, and someone who i shut out of my life for good, or so i thought.  ne is back in my life.  and it's not too different yet.  but here we are.  it's difficult.  i want to just pick up where we left off, but i don't want to rush things.  then again we only have a month and a half.  a good friend said to me "i know you don't regret, but don't regret."  i think that's my motto for the rest of summer.

a day in the life of a sound engineer

i'm home from a 14 hour day spent at the theatre, so the brain is more than fried.  i had children's show, children's workshop, two mainstage shows, and coffee house.  i hope things make sense.

i work in a theatre-in-the-round.  the seats are arranged into 4 sections.  1 is in front of me, 2 is one of the larger sections, 3 is the smallest, and 4 is the other larger one and the one that the stage is generally "facing".  aisle 2 is part of the stage, while the other aisles are entry ways to the stage, leading to the sound booth (a1), the pit (a3), and the offices (a4).  the producer paid an "expert" to place the speakers.  whomever did it is an idiot.  there is no center cluster in any section, just single speakers on the left and the right sides of the two larger sections.  there is no speaker in section three while section one and four appear to be joined with the two speakers one either side.  and there are 3 speakers above the stage, one of which the music comes from and the other pair is supposed to be vox.  vox... above the stage... where people wear mics... and you want the mics to come from that... without feedback?  uh huh.  i am unable to change anything necessary to make is sound "proper".  there is really no "good" seat.  section 3 is the worst, obviously.  back of 2 is bad as well.  the way i have made things work, be it correct or not, it's my system so i'll do as i please, is there are vox coming from the 4 house speakers and music from the stage, making the two other speakers above the stage useless due to feedback.  there is no other way to do it really.  so if you're in the front few rows, you hear nothing but music.  and no one seems to understand the logistics of sound.  it kills me really, because i see it to be common sense.  guess not.  i often get told by audience that they can't hear the vox.  i just smile and nod and say i'll do what i can to fix it so they will walk away.  i miss proscenium.  i don't remember how to work a proscenium any more though.  but it's probably like riding a bike, once you do a little it'll come back to you.  right?  (i never learned how to ride a bike, so i never have understood that expression.)   i am next to never mentioned in a review, i'm used to it.  the reviews mention how shitty the synthesizer keyboards and virtual drums sound, but that has nothing to do with me.  however, in our most recent review, the guy ripped everything imaginable apart, including me.  he said that he couldn't hear the horrible sounding keyboards.  really dude?  because i had three audience members come up to me tonight telling me they couldn't hear the vox.  i didn't do anything different from when the reviewer was there.  and to be fair, the jackass came to our first public showing, which we still have notes after.  douche.  it all depends on where you sit.  like i said, there is no good seat in this theatre-in-the round.  especially when it's in a barn on a coffee table build by farmers.

week 12 : reflecting back on christmas in july

i learned a lot about myself in the long month of july.  i have found new loves.  i have made mistakes.  i have had a great time.  i've also had a lot of upsetting moments.  a few stressful moments too.  and i would not take anything back.  i think july is going down as my favorite month for the summer. 

i'm generally the person who likes to be close to home around Christmas time.  i never like to be alone.  i'm always wanting to be near to the people i love.  and i love spending as much time with my family as i can.  but last night i learned, more so than ever before in my 23 years of living, that it is okay to spend Christmas with people who are not blood related.  no matter how much you dislike each other, everyone comes together to make sure everyone is happy and loved.  we concluded our week of secret santa last night.  and for the first time, other than within the first week at the mac, everyone was truly happy.  it was an amazing thing to witness.

mr. ne is coming to ny.  he will be here in a week and a half.  and although i am excited to see the guy i was once in love with, i know it will not be the same, i know that he might probably be coming for all the wrong reasons, that maybe i pressured him into coming.  he is getting out of strike at his job to get here in time for the build.  i have changed so much since leaving utah, but i feel my mindset might be back near that of the time i spent there.  and he has changed a lot as well.  we have both matured immensely.  and i highly doubt that things will be the same.  i doubt we'll pick up where we left off.  i think he might truly like me still, and never realized how much he liked me until i was gone.  it's been a year.  and i'm not sure of what will happen.  i fear that i tricked him into coming.  i failed to inform him of the living and working conditions.  i think though he's just looking to get out of utah and this is his first step.  it'll give him a month to figure out his future.  and i know that i'm the other half to the real reason he's coming.

tx gave me another reason to hate him.  ok, so hate's such a strong word, dislike.  i have 1.5 months left and we are continuing to grow apart.  i feel that he's giving me every reason to want to be in austin, showing me that i shouldn't have left, maybe.  last night, though, made me feel that i made the right choice.  just one night of happiness turned my world around.  we'll see what happens this next week though.  we start changeover tonight into mame.  it's a HUGE set show with very few sound effects and i'm not using all my mics.  if i can survive this week, i'll get to see ne middle of next.

and to pass any time not spent in rehearsals, my new obsession: etsy.  buy and sell vintage and homemade items.  i'm in love.  i want to spend so much of my money there, it's unhealthy.

week 11 : family, the christmas spirit, and growing up

the head ushers have adopted me for the summer.  they make sure i'm doing well, bring me medicine when i'm sick, make sure i eat dinner.  it's really cute.  and makes me feel special.  they know i'm from texas and that my closest family is in another time zone.

time has again come to a slow pace.  i just want to go home.  that's not completely true.   i just want a job that doesn't have such a crazy schedule.  i want weekends again.  i want a life.  to have fun.  to live.  to be young.  because i am growing up, i need to have fun while i still can.

christmas in july is going strong here in my tiny village.  we are doing secret santa at the theatre.  keeps our morals going.  makes things interesting.  keeps us wanting to come to work day in and day out.  we are all beat.

i just need to make it till the first week in august.  then my time left will be short.  or i need mr. utah to get hired for the last month to pick up my spirits.

when life gives you lemons...

find someone with tequila and have a margarita... or four.

i'm going to start with a back story before telling the recent happenings.

went to utah for an internship, met ne.  we liked each other, but were in different places in our lives.  so we didn't hook up, just always (always) had a crush on each other, always flirted with each other, the usual fun stuff.  i then started dating ut.  we had a nice thing going, i left to finish college, we stayed together.  i decided to pick up my life for some stupid reason and move to utah after college to be with ut.  (i had no other option for jobs so i took it.)  and when mr ne and i met up again, we started where we left off.  that crush we had, still existed, so we flirted.  a lot.  more than a lot.  and we had our fun, without making mistakes with mr ut. things were going well with ut until he decided to move in a different direction, and we had a bad break up.  and when things started getting rocky, i hooked up with ne. meaning that, yes, i did cheat on ut. and i fell in love with ne to make matters even worst.  then summer tore everyone apart because of the addition of summer stock.  so i left and moved to new york.  i was heart broken, the guy i loved was thousands of miles away.  and we started to loose touch.  we texted often, which turned into less often, and then even less. 

it's now been a year, we talk every couple of months.  he's been dreaming of getting out of utah ever since i left.  when i came back to new york this year, i stopped to see ut, there's a blog about it that goes into details, go read it.  and after our lovely break up (note the sarcasm), we picked up on a good spot and became friends again.  he is wanting to know when i'll be going back thru.  ok, maybe we picked up on a really good spot.  maybe it was the beer that helped.  whatever. 

mr ne texted me for the first time in a couple of months last night.  part of me deep down still loves him, probably always will.  he was my first love.  it happens.  and i miss him, i miss hanging out with him, playing beer pong, watching the horrible movies that he picks out, just having a good time.  and now he's looking at moving to austin with me.  i was painting a pretty picture in my head of a possible future with tx.  it's probably a pipe dream, but it's sometimes good to dream.  even though i'm probably setting myself up for failure.  now i might be given this chance to catch back up with ne.  third time's a charm right?  but i might have something good starting with tx.  i wan to know what each path has to offer.

i am growing up, i am ready to settle down, be close to family, blah blah blah.  and i might have to option to do it with the guy i love(d).  or i can do it with the new guy who i have to potential to fall in love with.  life seemed so easy until last night.  i know i'm making a big deal out of something that probably won't happen.  it's sometimes nice to dream though.  right?

week 10 : i'm a hot mess

so i've spent all week with the sniffles.  i have an upper respiratory infection, a head congestion, a cold in the middle of summer.  this is my life.  and i am the only me in my crew.  i can't hear properly, can't function properly, can't do my job properly.  and there's nothing i can do about it.  i have no one to help me.  and it sucks.  i haven't gotten too many complaints (yet) about this show, so i guess i'm doing a good job.  we are starting yet another show, damn yankees, and i can't eq properly.  it sucks.  i hate this.  i need another member on my crew!  sad face. 

i feel like i'm growing apart from the guy back home, really sucks.  between my beyond busy schedule and his multiple jobs, we hardly talk any more.  double sad face.  hopefully things will pick up soon.  we'll see what happens when i get back.

i've realized that i don't mind being here, i don't mind being in theatre, however i am growing older, and becoming more of an adult and i now want to no longer do summer stock.  i could handle doing shows in rep again, i think.  i can handle a months run of a show.  and a build of more than two weeks time.  however i cannot  keep changing shows every two weeks, it's killing me, stressing me out, keeping me constantly on my old toes.  this is why i constantly want to leave this theatre.  i can't keep going on this schedule, i'm beat, i'm tired, i'm exhausted, i need time off, i need my friends close and my family closer.  i want to go back to texas.  i want to settle down.  find a steady job.  start a family.  but can i do that in my field?

week 9 : it's so hot!!

not much happening here.  just in the second week of chicago.  getting ready for aladdin and damn yankees.  chicago has been a HUGE success.  i knew it would be, we all did.  we've sold out or nearly sold out every show.  we were lucky to get half for each showing of secret garden.  so this is much needed.  damn yankees is our throw away show, the show after chicago.  there's a whole new design team, minus me of course.  first time director, first time set design, first time costume design all for the theatre.  it's ...an experience.  the director has a lot of pipe dreams, he's really anxious, wants to add a whole lot of everything.  it's nice on my end though, i haven't had a design heavy show yet.  chicago was a mic heavy set.  but everything else was easy breazy.  making the mic list is hell, though for damn yankees.  i have 11 mics and 14 people who need one at various points throughout the show.  i'm making a map for myself and for the actors.  i'll need the asm to track them backstage too, since i have no a2.  it'll be a fun time keeping up with everything. 

heat wave came thru last week, record high temps in the northeast.  we were hotter here than in texas a couple of days.  and it has yet to cool down.  i must note that it is my 9th week here at the mac, and i have 9 more to go!  i was a rough climb up to the halfway point but it's all downhill from here!!

week 8 : i love my job. i think.

a blog to start the week, i won't have any other time this week to write, so here is this week's blog, week 8:

so third show is done.  finished.  struck.  over.  and now onto our 4th.  chicago!  that's kind of like our halfway point.  (..hold for checking of schedule.....)   next week will be, yay!  wait... wow.  really?  cool.  half way there.  well, almost.  that's crazy.  ever since children's shows started it's be going so quickly. 

chicago has been a hell of a changeover.  i've moved part of the orch over to the stage.  moved in an actual drum kit, we generally use virtual, and brought in three horns.  i've had to mic my drums, redo snakes, draw in more mics, make every wireless mic hotter; it's just been crazy.  crazy hours, crazy sleep patterns, crazy eating habits, crazy life.  crazy and stressful.  i'm losing my mind.  luckily the sound guy from last year came in to visit, so of course i put him to work.  he helped me immensely.

and as another reason why i love my job, i got an actor to take off his pants without asking.  i had a mic pop during a show and so i had an asm check the connection and a sm blow air into the element, well i asked him to blow the element, he actually blew the pack so i had to go blow the element.  i walked up to the actor, said "i need to blow your face."  he thought i meant pack, so started talking off his pants.  love my job, made me smile.  whatever.

however, chicago is making my job challenging.  and stressful.  and almost making me hate it.  but once we open this show, i will succeed at it! 

week 7 : my new obsession, a new book, and a new outlook

so this is my very first 4th of july that i will be working at night and unable to attend a fireworks show.  i'm the girl who dreams about watching fireworks in the arms of my special someone, all the romantic crap, the la di da bulsh*t.  my past fourths always included family and/or close friends, bbq, drinking, the usual american celebration.  and this year i get none of the above.  i get me, sitting in a dark theatre, behind a console, by myself.  no friends, no family, no special someone.  holidays are the one time where i am severely family oriented.  and it hits the heart hard when i cannot be with the above mentioned.  and it hurts even more when i miss out completely.  so for tonight and tomorrow night, when i'm working inside and hearing the fireworks outside, i will be very sad and very lonely, very homesick, feeling friendless, and just overall pitying myself.  i will be in a bad mood for the next 48 hours, no one here will understand why, they will push my buttons, and i will probably end up crying myself to sleep.  woe is me, i know.  :-/

i started a new book.  tweaked.  i've mentioned it in past blogs, so i'm not going to get into it now.  i will so that it is beyond twisted.  and i currently, only maybe 100 pages into it, have a love/hate relationship with it.  i'll review it later, just you wait.

children's theatre started.  so now i'm ubber busy.  and that makes time fly!  and i've mixed up my days completely.  thurs i thought was fri, fri i thought was sat, today (sat) i thought was thur.  what the hell?!  we have 4 shows and two days left secret garden.  today is one of the three show fun days.  i had cinderella in the morning, sg this afternoon and evening, we close it tomorrow night, open chicago next week, i started working on aladdin, and i'm waiting on my damn yankees script.  holy hell.  breathe.  again, summer should start to really fly by now.  woohoo!  i'll get home and feel like nothing has changed, like it's been frozen in time, but my friends' lives have moved on without me, and things will be different.  hopefully things will pick up where i left them though.

so my friend here invited me to this new site, gilt.  you have to be invited to join, so if you want the details, let me know.  it is a fabulous site!  up to 70% off high end designers.  and i am in love.  i've already bought one thing, mind you, today was the first day i was on the site.  they have new sales every day.  i will lose a lot of money to this site.  i am obsessed.

mtv's fear mixed with some toy story action

so a couple of weeks ago while i was running a show (you know, actually working for once), my roommates somehow recalled the television show developed by mtv entitled fear.  and one roommate found a bootleg copy of the show because they don't actually have it legit for sale.  and we started watching it.  let me tell you, this show is ridiculous.  i know i loved it back in the day (2000-2002) but that's because i was young and naive.  let me give you the details for this show, so you can follow me a little better.  the following is from wikipedia, the oh so trusty website:



MTV's Fear is an American paranormal reality television series that originally aired from 2000 to 2002 on MTV. The program follows a group of 5 or more contestants being left at an allegedly haunted location and led them on a series of dares over two nights to explore whether or not the place is haunted.

Contestants were led by guides to the haunted area. They were then instructed to remove their blindfolds after a predetermined amount of time, allowing the guides to slip out unseen. The area where they are taken is known as the 'safe house', which is usually a large room somewhere within the haunted location where no hauntings are reported to have taken place. This location serves as the group's base and is the only part of the haunted location with lighting. Every member of group chooses a color at random from a predefined list. During daylight hours, the group is allowed to sleep and eat, as dares only take place at night. Once night arrives, a computer terminal will usually pick one or two colors and assign a dare. This computer also provides the group with background information about the area. A member of the group, not assigned to the current dare, provides instructions from the computer via two-way radios.

Each contestant is given the option, at any time during the dare, to abort. However, doing so will cause the contestant to forfeit their share of the winnings, and they will be required to leave the group. Another contestant will then be chosen by the computer to complete the dare. After two nights, any contestants remaining in the game will be directed to the location of their monetary prize, and each would collect $5,000 (in the pilot episode, the survivors only received $3,000 each).
The dares themselves ranged in difficulty, often starting out easy and close to the safe house, eventually getting more difficult and further from the group's base. While most relied on simple observation (radio silence, EMF Detector), some of the dares relied on specific re-enactments of haunting events, and a few even dabbled in occult or paranormal possession (Séance, Auto-Drawing, Spirit Channeling).

 
 
just by watching, you can tell that this is all just a hoax.  the creators were able to get inside this young adults heads.  it is just absolutely riridiculous.  if you can, try youtube or whatever, just watch an episode.  it's quite amusing. 
 
 
 
 
on a happy note... toy story 3.  a.maz.ing.  no doubt.  we had a double feature couple of nights ago to remember the first two.  and we went to the movie theatre on our day off to see the third.  there was a group of five of us and the four who actually have a soul cried.  the one bitch who didn't cry made fun of us for crying.  she's a complainer.  it's what she does.  it's what she's good at.  and it's the reason no one likes her.  i'm not sure how she ended up going with us but whatevs.  toy story, that's the point here, fabulous.  go see it.  :)

tidbit

so how cool is it that i am currently working at the theatre where nathan lane once worked?  just had to throw that out there for you guys.  i'm sure there are a few others as well, but that's one that i know of for sure.  :)

smashed

by koren zailckas.  i borrowed this book from a roommate.  i would not have bought it on my own account, i'm sure.  it was painful to get through.  it was slow and boring.  but i'm the type that can't stop watching a movie after i've already started and can't just put down a book half way through.  i want to know how it ends.  it may take forever to get there, and it might cause a lot of pain, but i am determined to do it.  and i did.  finally.  it's about a girl's alcoholic adventure.  it's divided into sections: initiation, the usual, excess, and abuse.  each section tells a few tales subjected in each section.  initiation include titles of first taste, first waste, first offence, and coma girl.  each chapter is a different story, not always relating to each other.  it moved painfully slow, for me at least.  but it did make me realize that i am not alone.  in a few cases, her story is similar to mine.  while it's nice to no i'm not alone, it's also scary to know that i had a problem, which i'm not surprised at.  i did start to develop a drinking problem, but i noticed it and was able to retract it and keep it from further developing into a real problem.  the final chapter is the girl's only sober chapter.  it's about why she quit, how the world has changed by being sober, and how she sees herself in countless numbers of other females.  it was my favorite part; to see that she is better made it worth reading the entire book.  however, i can't say i recommend this book.

following your heart

another homesick night for me in new york.  so far it's an every other show kind of deal.  first show i didn't want to be here.  last show i didn't mind it.  this show i'm ready to go home again.  i miss going out with my wonderful friends, i miss mom's cooking, i miss talking with my dad about nothing at all, i miss brandon rhyder shows, i miss my family, i miss my kittens, i miss texas country, i miss real bbq, i miss all the wild times i had in dallas and austin.  and i'm missing out on more by being here. 

the vibe in the house is killer.  my roommate has tension with her coworkers and brings it home with her at the end of the day.  everyone snaps at her at work and so when she gets home she snaps at me and our roommates for no reason at all.  people put me in a bad mood.  i wanna go home where i can be happy.

sept 19.  so far away.  i stopped counting the weeks in hopes of time going quicker.  i don't know if it's working yet.  i'm still kicking myself in the ass for not following my heart.  i hope this job does wonders for my resume.  i hope i can get a job in austin after i leave.  i hope that by following my head i did the right thing.

maybe one day i'll write a happy blog again.  until then, i'll be a debbie downer.








ps, if you get bored or wanna share some love, send me some mail, it'll brighten my day immensely.

(me)
c/o The MacHaydn Theatre
PO Box 204
Chatham, NY 12037

week 6 : stick a fork in me, i'm done

is this experience over yet?  i'm tired of people constantly trying to walk all over me.  "oh, well we had it this way last year."  "we were able to do this last year."  "last year it was like this."  bull f*cking sh*t.  i was here last year.  i know how it was ran, i even ran it occasionally.  don't give me this shit.  i've had so many people who have been here for years tell me that it's never been the way you are trying to get me to do it.  suck it up and deal, i've let you get away with it for this long, but time is up.  time to be professional.

if i am missing or dead

so i have a surprising amount of free time currently, especially during the second week of shows.  things will probably change here in a week when children's theatre starts, but only time will tell.  but for now, i am enjoying my tremendous amount of free time.  i have since decided to pick up a book.  and i finished it in a surprising amount of time, to both me and those around me.  i just finished reading if i am missing or dead by janine latus.  it is a true story about a woman's troubled life, her choice of men (all of which abuse her), her (shall we say) over loving father, her family issues, and her sister's troubles with weight and men.  it was a book i couldn't put down.  a book where i yelled at the narrator.  and a book that i recommend.  i'm on a kick of true life stories about different forms of abuse, not sure why.  maybe they make me feel better about my life, like i'm not alone, like i can in some sort of way relate.  first was beautiful boy by david sheff, then if i am missing or dead, now i'm reading smashed by koren zailckas, next in line is tweaked by nic sheff.  beautiful boy was about a father's tale of his son's meth addiction, smashed is about a girl's alcohol abuse, tweaked is the story of the meth addict in beautiful boy. 

any recommendations from you guys?  i'll be looking for a new book in a couple of weeks at the rate i'm going.

as a side note: i'm a total badass.  i fixed a mic today.  had to solder some wires back together.  and now it's working.  gives me more confidence that i can (and am) doing what i always dreamt.  go me!  :)

week 5 : a slow week with needy people

i woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning, and i think most everyone else that i deal with did too.  this blog includes a lot of venting and some controversial language.  just to warn you.

monday was our day off.  my roommates and i went into mass to do a little shopping.  we left at a normal time.  ate lunch.  came home.  napped.  and then had family dinner.  it was nice, simple, quiet, and away from the people who drive us crazy.  but it is those people who have decided to open their big mouths.  the "woe is me, i deserve all the attention because my daddy raped me as a child, one upper, attention whores".  ok, i don't actually know their story, but i do know that i'm not ok with their attitude.  and no one upstairs is.  so we have since decided to lock the door to keep them out.  and have family dinners and group trips not involving them.  it keeps us sane.  then they start bitching because we have locked the door, that we left early on today and didn't tell them where we were going.  we left around 11am, not exactly early.  and we didn't let them know because they didn't ask.  and if i recall correctly, they did go to the river last day off without letting anyone know, even though the night before they said they would wait until we got back from our errands run.  so bitch, please, do us all a favor, and shut the f*ck up.  here's our biggest problem with these people who live below us:  they have their own tv, their own kitchen, their own living room, their own everything, but they feel they have to come upstairs to use our cooking supplies and our kitchen when there is already 5 of us in there trying to f*cking cook.  they have to come use our living room, and trash it, because we do not feel the need to go drink with them every f*cking night.  they have to come use our tv because theirs isn't as big as ours.  OUR LIVING ROOM IS NOT YOUR PLAYROOM.  it's where we LIVE. it's part of OUR house, where we can just sit on the couch looking at our computers in peace.  but when you come invade our space, we are banished to our rooms because we don't want to hear about you're better than us.  f*cking hell.  luckily one of the people has left.  however, we have the one still here that i cannot stand.  and she tries to be cute and speak in some accent which sounds like 7 different languages combined, and that's when i can't be near her for more than 2.5 minutes.  and we all want to punch her in the vag after that.

tues everyone went to work.  well, everyone but me.  i stayed at home to work on my design for the next show.  it's peaceful and quiet there when everyone is at work, it's a great work environment for me.  but then everyone likes to complain that i'm not at the theatre so i must not be working, i must have taken an extra day off.  no, i haven't.  and remember those days that you came home early last week, yeah, remember how i stayed late.  oh, yeah, that's right.  we're even bitch.  you come home early, i go to work extra late because i stay late.  suck my ass.

today is wednesday.  two shows.  i'm tired of this show.  luckily we close sun night.  i woke up with everyone else, went into work with everyone else, even though i know i'll be here later than everyone.  and today i wanted coffee to start my morning.  but no.  someone who used the coffee maker last time didn't clean it.  when i make coffee for the house, i clean the pot so it can be used the next day.  bitch. 

13 weeks until i don't have to pick up after these slobs.  13 weeks until i don't have to deal with the loud mouth.  13 weeks until i can be in his CLEAN apartment.  13 long and painful weeks.

the people of bush

so i decided to inform you all of my living conditions.  our house is called bush, short for bushnell.  it's named after the street we live off of.  there are 5 of us upstairs and will be 7 downstairs.  currently there are 6 downstairs, the 7th will arrive in a couple of weeks.  it's all girls downstairs and three guys, two girls up.

upstairs:
the carp- mostly vegetarian, eats meat once a month, has decided to go vegan once a week.  health nut.  eco friendly.  hippy style.  blunt.  all around awesome dude.
the master carp- muscle head.  but doesn't look it.  rugby player.  straight faced.  hard to distinguish between serious or joking.  doesn't smile often.  hard ass. 
costume technician- fabulous.  flamboyant.  lovely guy who i adore.  messy as hell.  doesn't clean up after himself.
stitcher- teeny bopper.  takes hours to tell a story.  tells you who she talks to during the day, what was said, back tracks, gets off topic, and by the end you don't know what was said, possibly because you just stopped listening.  sweet.  caring.  overdramatic.  omg, lol, totes type vocabulary.  immature.  but my friend and my roommate.
me- easy to get along with.  down to earth.  sweet.  sarcastic.  refuses to clean up after others.

downstairs:
props- awesome chic.  arrived a week or two later than the rest.  earthy.  doesn't talk much.  on her own.  beyond organized.  really cool girl who i could be great friends with.
stitcher- one upper.  loud.  her personality clashes with mine.  i try to avoid her at all costs.
asm- pretty cool girl.  clingy.  follower. 
tech intern- comes from a rich family.  very privileged.  this is her first job, and she's 20.  no work ethic.  lasted a month. 
costume intern- very quiet.  debbie downer.  every party has a pooper, that's why we invited her.
first hand- unique.  loves to party and have a good time.  been on tour, and leaving early to go on a new tour.  follows others vibes, but still really cool person.
wardrobe- will be here in a couple of weeks.  met her before.  serious about her job.  strict.  straight forward.  individual.

upstairs has formed their own clique.  we are on the same page with each other.  we like each other.  and merly tolerate those downstairs.  we separate ourselves from the downstairs people.  there is someone each of us do not get a long with, so we have decided to do our own thing on a daily basis that does not include them.  i love the people i live with. 

week 4 : people are dropping like flies

week four already?  that means i'm a month into this adventure.  the days are going by so slow, weeks are too, but i don't know where that month went!  14.5 weeks until i'm home.  14.5 weeks till i can see my family.  and my friends.  and him.  this is crazy.  i can't believe what i'm embarking on.  i got so used to living day by day, flying by the seat of my pants.  now here i am, planning, granted i'm only partially planning, for what i'm doing once i leave new york.  it's thrilling in it's own way.

however, this current part of my adventure, not so much thrill.  i got word yesterday that our third person is planning their departure.  ok, seriously?  three people are not happy here, not gaining anything from this experience, and so they have chosen to leave.  and these three individuals are not the only ones feeling this way.  we all are.  none of us are happy here.  we all want to leave.  but we cannot.  we need the money, need the job, need this for our resume, etc.  and so we will not leave.  besides, it'll cost a paycheck to leave, and i need that money.  i need this job.  this will look amazing on my resume.  and so i am trying to stick it out.  but there is a serious problem when EVERYONE feels this way.  the carps, the costume techs, the actors, even the td who has been here for 12 seasons.  and this mutual feeling comes from the front office.  and it trickles down to everyone.  and it's sad, really.  there is no sense of a group, no fun times, no stoopin', everyone is going home at the end of the day and going straight to bed.  no one has the desire, the energy, to have fun because the day drains them of happiness, of energy, and of care.  and so there is nothing keeping anyone here, except for that damn paycheck.  that's not what summer stock is about.  summer stock should be a time of working your ass off during the day, and hanging out, drinking, and have a good time at night.  that is what is supposed to happen everyday.  that's what summer stock is.  not this.  especially when we're only embarking on our second show.  maybe things will get better.  maybe people are still looking to get into the groove.  maybe, just maybe.  hopefully.

uninvited guests : before and after

BEFORE:
so we all can't get along with everyone.  it's common knowledge, a part of life, and something i've come to know and understand.  but there are some people that most people just do not get along with.  and she is our uninvited guest who keeps coming upstairs, one-uping everyone and their dead mother, and leaving her trash behind.  she has no respect for anyone.  she's a snob.  and no one in the house likes her.  and tonight she has decided to inform a few of my house mates that she is commandeering our television tonight to watch a movie that no one in the house is interested in.  and no one has the balls to say no to her.  i never see her outside of my house, so i cannot say no before she arrives.  mind you, she has her own television downstairs (where she lives).  but we have a 64 inch and it's beyond amazing.  so tonight, 4 of the 5 housemates (not sure about the 5th) will have to put up with our uninvited guest.

AFTER:
so me and two of my roommates were kicked out of our own living room because we did not want to be a part of the two (yes, we ended up with two) uninvited guests.  (side note: i'm sure i'll mention the details about the second one sooner or later.)  we were enjoying our time spent in our own room, and at some point we decide to make a random trip to denny's (it was the only place open anywhere near).  so we marched one after the other through the living room, across the view of the television, and went outside.  the best part was everyone, mainly the two uninvited guests, looking, glaring, at us as we walked past them, wondering what we were doing.  we made a positive out of a negative.  and spent some quality time together.  and my two roommates and i had a wonderful evening outside of the house without the uninvited guests.

week 3 at the mac : audio inputs

i love my job.  i love what i do.  i have a passion for it.  and i want to keep doing what i'm doing. 

currently i am the only sound person for the theatre.  i am the a1.  and i am the a2.  i run the show.  and i fix problems, even when they happen during the run of the show.  i would love to have an a2 on hand to help me because at times i cannot just leave the console to go backstage to fix problems. 

i love being the head of audio.

however, i know that when i leave this place, i will have to stoop down and be an a2.  that sucks.  i have to prove myself elsewhere in order to get ahead there.  i will have to do the bitch work.  i will have to prove time and time again that although i am a girl, i can do this job.  i might not be able to lift heavy things like the men in this industry, but i am a woman, and it's been proven that women hear better than men.

i love my job.  and i want to continue to do what i do. 

and not everyone can do what it is that i do.  most people are so intimidated by all the knobs, switches, sliders, and buttons.  and i love that.  because i run that.  i know that.  i know what all the knobs, switches, sliders, and buttons do.  and i tell the stage manager exactly what buttons to hit, what knobs to turn, what switches to flip, and what sliders to move to make the sound come out of the speakers for rehearsals.  i know what my presets are so when the stage manager, or his assistant, fucks it up, i can fix it.  i told him exactly what to do to make it work for what he needs.  and then i get woken up by a text asking how to make it work.  i told him what to do on day one.  it's week 3, i think it's week 3 at least, i can't keep up.  and he sends me a text asking how to fix it.  within thirty seconds of the call i returned to him, i had it working. 

i love my job.  i'm good at what i do.  i want to continue to thrive in this business.

in the news today

nothing else to do at work, so i'm browsing news articles everywhere. 

really bp?!  another "risky, temporary fix" that will first make the situation worst before they try to fix it in a manner that has little possibility of actually working.  go bp!  they deserve the criminal investigation.

staring at the tv is not good for you, but video games are.  alright then.  i think i'll stick with my tv shows, but thanks for the offer.

however, i will not be watching this one: mtv creates another series.  i have no words... just a blank stare.

you hear the possible side effects of viagra.... well, they are true.  some people are just complete idiots.

and in similar news... something that just makes sense to me.

one of those days to just sit around and wait

so things got better, finally.  had a day off, my first real day off in two weeks.  won't get another official one in another 13 days.  it's how it works here, one day off every 13 days.  whatever, i knew that coming in.  but my work load is so light, i have so much free time.

the day after the day off is hard.  i'm so tired.  i went to work at 10am, it was our call time.  i played around on the computer for half an hour or so, then actually did some work.  i finished my design for the next show, got my mic list ready, and i worked for about an hour total.  nothing else to do.  time for the sit-around-and-wait game.  i'm so bored.  and it's a bad day for that.  dreamt of home last night, so i'm in a weird mood now, almost homesick.  it happens.  and of course, it's rainy and miserable outside. 

i'm trying to have as much fun as i can here.  i know i probably sound like a broken record, but it's true.  i sometimes feel left out because my hours are so different than everyone elses.  i'm getting along with all the guys, as usual, and of course, as usual, not so much with all the girls.  i've never gotten along great with girls, i'm just not the girly type, i fit in better with the guys.  whatever. 

the asm pushed a pet peeve button today as well.  i have my board set for the current show, all the levels are where i need them, and she moved some sliders for rehearsal for the next show.  and she did not check the preset levels before moving them.  seriously!?  crimany!  luckily, and she won't know this, i know what my preset levels were set at.  the sm said we can do a sound check before the show, but that does me no good because there will be no one in the audience for sound check.  bodies absorb sound, so any check we do will be pointless.  as i said, luckily i know what my presets were.  and, again, as i said, i will have pleasure in not letting the asm know this.  i'ma make her feel bad.  no one touches my board.  no one but me and the sm.  no asm.  no md.  no one. 

i need a job for when i move to austin.  i've been looking at theatres down there, but so far most of them are dark during the fall/winter.  i don't want to bartend any more.  i don't want to get some crappy job in a store.  i don't know what i'm going to do when i get there.  it's too far in advance to seriously look into jobs, but i'm starting to worry.  as i do, because i am a worry wart.  i just want to get away from ppl here, get away from dfw, and escape to austin.  that's just me talking because it's just one of those days for me.  i'm a little homesick, i'm exhausted, i'm bored, and it's rainy.  awesome combo!

week 2 : it's been so long since i've felt this tired and naked

another sporadic blog for you all.  the second week has come to an end here in new york.  we opened our first show, which means a week filled with little sleep and lots of rehearsals.  here's the adventures from my week.


monday (5.24): so i have discovered that i've been out of theatre for too long.  and i have also discovered that, although this is a very challenging field in which i do enjoy, i am ready to change career path to where i really want to be.  my dream is at my fingertips and it's difficult to keep motivated in ny when i know i'll get where i want when i get back to texas.


also, i'm naked.  ok, hold on a sec.  let me explain before your imagination runs wild.  i took out my eye brow ring.  i finally, and actually, did it.  i've been saying that i need to, and i finally did.  there's some scar tissue in it, so i have a little lump on my face, and i will have two little scars where the holes were.  and i'm ok with this.  on the plus side, i will be getting two more in its place (no, not nipples).  i'm still a rebel, just grown up a little.  it'll be a surprise for the parental unit.


tuesday (5.25):  producer's run sucked ass.  levels were all over the place.  tech went better, until my mics died.  i don't like children, i don't like mic-ing children, i don't like being in the same room with them.  luckily they entertain themselves and don't bother me too much. 


wednesday (5.26): thunder's a rumblin' inside and out.  final dress.  what a mess.  haha.  wow.  it's been a long night.  everyone was on edge today.  not sure why.  that's not true, i know why.  everyone was stressing out, freaking out, and attacking anyone in the way.  which sometimes meant me.  and that occasionally put me in a bad mood.  but i'm just calm and relaxed, not stressing, not fretting that we open tomorrow night.


thursday (5.27):  well we finally opened our first show.  that being said, where the hell did the week go?!  i'm about ready to kill the choreographer, luckily he leaves monday.  the opening went well, for it being the opening that is.  there were some things that went well, others that went not so well.  but it's live theatre, so it's bound to happen.  i forgot that i'll be dealing with a huge pet peeve of mine every show.  that being audience members who come up to me and give me their opinion on my levels.  i have it set the way it worked for rehearsals, the way that i know works for the actors, and if there was a problem with it, why didn't anyone tell me during final dress?  ok, that's what i thought.  assholes. 

i don't think the lady who signs the checks likes the way i run things, that might mean i'll be coming home early.  so long as i get paid for the time that i'm here, and i have enough money to make it back, i'm ok with leaving early.  second show's about to start for the day.  and afterwards is tech on the deck, where we celebrate our (the technicians) hard work on the show and take a shot in our honor.  following that is chatham house, where we drink and celebrate opening.  i could use a drink.

friday (5.28): opening night went ok. accidentally turned off the orchestra during one part, oops. at least now it won't happen again. opening night party was meh. didn't get drunk. didn't really drink at all actually. i was too exhausted.

can anything go right?  why do i feel like i'm doing everything wrong?  i don't feel like i'm fitting in.  it's just not going well.  luckily this week has flown by, and i'm one week closer to going home.  tonight is gala, where we get free alcohol from the people who contribute money to the theatre.  i can dig this.  it's been one hell of a week and i'm in a slump.  hopefully things will get better sooner rather than later.

saturday (5.29): oh gala, how interesting you were.  i should have learned my lesson at b rhyder shows to not drink excessive amounts of free beer.  but i didn't.  at least i know how to not be too terribly hungover from said free beer.  i got cocked blocked last night.  that was.. almost intense.  i thought there might have been a bitch fight.  i was just dancing, a guy was next to me, who i know, and am friends with, so we just started dancing together.  then the whore who's sleeping with him had to come over and mark her territory while giving me the "don't-you-dare-try-to-get-with-my-man" look.  seriously?  we were just dancing.  yes he is cute, but no i'm not interested.  it's summer stock.  i know how it goes, it's not my first rodeo.  everyone sleeps with everyone, and i'm not down to catch anything from these whores.  thank you, good night.

i think things are starting to look up again.  which is a nice change.  it's been a horrible past couple of days.  the last bad thing that happened was last night when someone turned off a mic backstage that's used in an offstage speech.  not an important mic at all.  (note the sarcasm.)  other than that, the show went well.  i had fun, from what i remember, at the gala.  today is a two show day.  and i have coffee house, which is were audience members have coffee and dessert while watching a few members of the cast sing random show tunes.  i know, i feel the same way about it as you do.  at least i'll get free dessert!  elk is today as well.  elk is a group of supporters who cook us a meal once a week.  it's usually disgusting, but tolerable.  it's a kind effort and thought.  i appreciate them.  i got my script for the next show (anything goes).  longest show ever, i can't make it through the thing in one sitting.  easy sfx, not many at all.  that means i have less of a chance to screw something up and more of a chance to fall asleep on the job.  lose-lose situation there, but i like what i do, i enjoy it.  and that's what matters.