end of summer cabaret

we just had our end of season cabaret.  makes it seem more real that the summer is almost over.
we're a family here.  but once we leave, we will never see nor talk to anyone we grew close to.
that's the sad truth of it, it's how summer stock works.
23 more days until i leave.
next sunday most everyone will partake in their final day.
i'm saddened by this.  but after getting things a little more in order back home, i'm more than ready to leave.  i'm actually excited to visit home, to be with him.
i'm not saying good-bye yet though.  i refuse to.  i'm going to continue to smile and have a good time with my friends, my family, here. 

Kiss today goodbye,
The sweetness and the sorrow.
Wish me luck, the same to you.
But I can't regret
What I did for love, what I did for love.
Look my eyes are dry.
The gift was ours to borrow.
It's as if we always knew,
And I won't forget what I did for love,
What I did for love.
Gone,
Love is never gone.
As we travel on,
Love's what we'll remember.
Kiss today goodbye,
And point me t'ward tomorrow.
We did what we had to do.
Won't forget, can't regret
What I did for
Love
What I did for
Love
What I did for...
Love
Love is never gone
As we travel one
Love's what we'll remember
Kiss today goodbye.
And point me t'ward tomorrow.
Point me t'ward tomorrow
We did what we had to do.
Won't forget, can't regret
What I did for love.
What I did for love.
What I did for love.
Love
-"What I Did For Love" A Chorus Line

broken mirror, a letter to a friend

something i wrote to someone who i will never give it to:

why do i care?  why am i nice?  why do i put myself through hell to make you feel better?  why am i blaming myself for something that you did?  and again i ask, why do i care? 

i'm so sick and tired of trying to make you happy.  it's an impossible task and causes nothing but pain for me.  yeah, so, you're hurting, i've been there, which is why i tried to help in the first place.  but you can't be debbie downer for always and forever.  you can't mask your problems.  and alcohol will not make them disappear. 

i made a mistake by giving you the option to come out here.  but you made the first mistake by contacting me after months of silence.  why are you running?  what are you really running from?  you need to just deal with your problems head on so that you will quit moping around and quit being the town drunk.

if you want help, someone to listen, someone who won't judge you, i'm here.  just let it all out.  but i'm trying to fix something that you won't let come out.  until you open up, i'm out.  i can't deal with this.  grow up.  face your demons.  and let me be a friend, if nothing else.  don't shut out the only friend you have here.  you'll have nothing left and that will not help your problems.

i'm here for you when you are ready to open up.  i'm here for you as i always have been and always will be.  i'm here for you when you're never there for me.  i'm here for whatever you need.  i'm here for you when i know i shouldn't be.  through it all, i'm here for you.

week 15 : pipe dreams and broken records

things are moving slow as a snail here.  start week two of our three week show tomorrow.  and i'm tired of it already.  no recent development with ne.  and i'm content with this.  i don't need nor want anything serious to come out of it.  just keep each other company, deal with our demons, and leave each other behind again, probably to never see each other again.  although, we see where that statement got us last time.  ut is still always contacting me.  i don't mind.  probably just wants things to not be awkward when i get there to visit, like it was last time.  i like talking to him.  we're friends again.  it's nice.  atx formerly known as tx can't wait any longer for me to get there.  i've been asked a couple of times now what i what, who i see myself with, who's my ideal guy, what do i want out of each, etc.  here's my answer: i would, always have, wanted to end up with ne but i know it will never happen.  we are two very different people in very different parts of our lives always and still.  ut is a good person, he will always be attached to me, and a part of me will always be with him, i think we will always be friends, and if we ever end up in the same place we would date again, and i wouldn't mind that.  however it won't happen, or i don't think it will.  atx, well i just don't know about that one.  we were starting to get to know each other when i was there.  distance is continuing to tear us apart.  i'll be able to answer the questions pertaining to him in a month.  so for now, i'm gonna keep company with ne, go visit a newly redeveloped friend tn and have fun, then make it back to atx to pick up the pieces.  (broken record)

i have encountered my most difficult sound effect to date.  i need a specific recording of ed sullivan's voice.  i've had easy breezy sfxs up until now.  and i'm stuck on this one.  i don't know how i'm gonna find it.  any suggestions?  did i mention i hate birdie?  because i do.  i was in utah at a road house when the tour came through, since i was a girl i was put on wardrobe, followed around leads who walked all over me, and listened to annoying songs over and over.  and now i have to legit do it here.  i.  hate.  birdie.  and by the time i'm done with the show in ny, i will have a passion of hatred for the show.  i want this birdie to go bye bye.  and conrad, as for you, i don't love you, sorry.  (song: "we love you conrad, oh yes we do, we love you conrad.... ")  (broken record)

seeing as how i have less than a month left in this sh*t hole, i've started the dreaded job search.  no one is hiring.  i've sent my resume to a couple of places.  and searched the theatres in austin, but nothing is open.  i don't know what i'm going to do.  i just started the hunt and i'm already freaking out.  this isn't bueno.  i just want a position as an a2 at a road house, preferably in austin.  is that so much to ask? (pipe dream)

week 14 : scatter brained

alternate titles:
i hate that i can relate my life to the jersey shore
ronnie and sammie = me and ne  
here we go again
third time's a charm right? 

wrote this the day after ne arrived, meaning about 3 days ago or so:
this is my third time being with ne.  our second time to be reunited.  and we have yet again picked up where we left off.  i asked what his thoughts were on our situation and he said whatever i'm ok with is ok with him, it'd be nice if we got together but if it was too awkward then he understood.  we have a serious attraction to each other that's never gone away.  good news is i'm not in love with him anymore.  might pick that back up in the month that he's here.  not sure if i want to or not.  i mean, i do, but i don't want my heart to get broken again by this guy, he's done that a few times now.  i wrote him out of my life, was severely heartbroken, made a few mistakes, and eventually got over him.  i don't want to go through that again but i am definitely still attracted to him.  part of me wants to be with him, always has.  but i have this good thing going with tx and i want to see where that takes me to.  or am i just using tx to get a job?  my feelings are so mixed up right now with the addition of ne and not seeing tx in so long.  but everything happens for a reason.  i came to ny for a job, a job i didn't really want at the time (or throughout most of my time here) and now ne is back and i'm off to figure out life now and see if i can figure out that reason.

thoughts from today:
so things will probably never be the same.  and i'm ok with this.  i keep being reminded of the guy that i ran from, the guy i shut out of my life.  while it's nice to see him again, because it truly is, i'm ok with not seeing him again after this time spent in ny.  we're two different people.  always have been, but i've since changed while i lived in utah.  and unless he gets sober again (alcohol is his only drug) and unless he grows up, it's never going to work out.  and i've become content with this, so i believe as of now.

so my friend left last sat and while i was beyond annoyed with her, i'd do anything to trade her back in for my new roommate.  she's a smoker, or at least was, i'm not really sure.  i've only met her once, we've been on opposite schedules since her arrival, so who knows if my opinion will change.  but as of right now, i dislike her.  our room smells like stale cig smoke, and it gives me a head ache when enter into our room after a long day at the theatre.  i don't know how to prevent all my belongs from smelling the same, nor do i know how to not offend her.  but at this rate, it's gonna be a long month.

we open our last mainstage show tomorrow.  we still have our jr mainstage after that.  the end is near, yet so far away.  it's going to be a roller coaster, just like this whole summer has been.

ps, as for the ronnie and sammie/jersey show comparison:  i'm living with a guy i used to date.  i like the show, it makes me feel better about my life.  deal with it.

week 13 : bittersweet symphony

two people whom i grew close to left beginning of this week.  they went back to home to get ready for the upcoming semester.  oh college, life is somewhat dull without you.  but the real world is throwing me curve balls left and right currently.  i already miss dr cinnamon and mi.  i would have deep conversations with them, bitch fits, and lots of laughs.  family dinners are no more.  no more hippy meals.  no more pizza pizazz.  no more dirty dishes piled high.  no more used car lot parking lot.  i can't believe the summer is almost gone.  a few months ago i never though i would make it this far, but here i am, and there they go.  i lost two friends but i'm gaining another back.  someone i thought i would never see again, someone i was once in love with, someone who broke my heart, and someone who i shut out of my life for good, or so i thought.  ne is back in my life.  and it's not too different yet.  but here we are.  it's difficult.  i want to just pick up where we left off, but i don't want to rush things.  then again we only have a month and a half.  a good friend said to me "i know you don't regret, but don't regret."  i think that's my motto for the rest of summer.

a day in the life of a sound engineer

i'm home from a 14 hour day spent at the theatre, so the brain is more than fried.  i had children's show, children's workshop, two mainstage shows, and coffee house.  i hope things make sense.

i work in a theatre-in-the-round.  the seats are arranged into 4 sections.  1 is in front of me, 2 is one of the larger sections, 3 is the smallest, and 4 is the other larger one and the one that the stage is generally "facing".  aisle 2 is part of the stage, while the other aisles are entry ways to the stage, leading to the sound booth (a1), the pit (a3), and the offices (a4).  the producer paid an "expert" to place the speakers.  whomever did it is an idiot.  there is no center cluster in any section, just single speakers on the left and the right sides of the two larger sections.  there is no speaker in section three while section one and four appear to be joined with the two speakers one either side.  and there are 3 speakers above the stage, one of which the music comes from and the other pair is supposed to be vox.  vox... above the stage... where people wear mics... and you want the mics to come from that... without feedback?  uh huh.  i am unable to change anything necessary to make is sound "proper".  there is really no "good" seat.  section 3 is the worst, obviously.  back of 2 is bad as well.  the way i have made things work, be it correct or not, it's my system so i'll do as i please, is there are vox coming from the 4 house speakers and music from the stage, making the two other speakers above the stage useless due to feedback.  there is no other way to do it really.  so if you're in the front few rows, you hear nothing but music.  and no one seems to understand the logistics of sound.  it kills me really, because i see it to be common sense.  guess not.  i often get told by audience that they can't hear the vox.  i just smile and nod and say i'll do what i can to fix it so they will walk away.  i miss proscenium.  i don't remember how to work a proscenium any more though.  but it's probably like riding a bike, once you do a little it'll come back to you.  right?  (i never learned how to ride a bike, so i never have understood that expression.)   i am next to never mentioned in a review, i'm used to it.  the reviews mention how shitty the synthesizer keyboards and virtual drums sound, but that has nothing to do with me.  however, in our most recent review, the guy ripped everything imaginable apart, including me.  he said that he couldn't hear the horrible sounding keyboards.  really dude?  because i had three audience members come up to me tonight telling me they couldn't hear the vox.  i didn't do anything different from when the reviewer was there.  and to be fair, the jackass came to our first public showing, which we still have notes after.  douche.  it all depends on where you sit.  like i said, there is no good seat in this theatre-in-the round.  especially when it's in a barn on a coffee table build by farmers.

week 12 : reflecting back on christmas in july

i learned a lot about myself in the long month of july.  i have found new loves.  i have made mistakes.  i have had a great time.  i've also had a lot of upsetting moments.  a few stressful moments too.  and i would not take anything back.  i think july is going down as my favorite month for the summer. 

i'm generally the person who likes to be close to home around Christmas time.  i never like to be alone.  i'm always wanting to be near to the people i love.  and i love spending as much time with my family as i can.  but last night i learned, more so than ever before in my 23 years of living, that it is okay to spend Christmas with people who are not blood related.  no matter how much you dislike each other, everyone comes together to make sure everyone is happy and loved.  we concluded our week of secret santa last night.  and for the first time, other than within the first week at the mac, everyone was truly happy.  it was an amazing thing to witness.

mr. ne is coming to ny.  he will be here in a week and a half.  and although i am excited to see the guy i was once in love with, i know it will not be the same, i know that he might probably be coming for all the wrong reasons, that maybe i pressured him into coming.  he is getting out of strike at his job to get here in time for the build.  i have changed so much since leaving utah, but i feel my mindset might be back near that of the time i spent there.  and he has changed a lot as well.  we have both matured immensely.  and i highly doubt that things will be the same.  i doubt we'll pick up where we left off.  i think he might truly like me still, and never realized how much he liked me until i was gone.  it's been a year.  and i'm not sure of what will happen.  i fear that i tricked him into coming.  i failed to inform him of the living and working conditions.  i think though he's just looking to get out of utah and this is his first step.  it'll give him a month to figure out his future.  and i know that i'm the other half to the real reason he's coming.

tx gave me another reason to hate him.  ok, so hate's such a strong word, dislike.  i have 1.5 months left and we are continuing to grow apart.  i feel that he's giving me every reason to want to be in austin, showing me that i shouldn't have left, maybe.  last night, though, made me feel that i made the right choice.  just one night of happiness turned my world around.  we'll see what happens this next week though.  we start changeover tonight into mame.  it's a HUGE set show with very few sound effects and i'm not using all my mics.  if i can survive this week, i'll get to see ne middle of next.

and to pass any time not spent in rehearsals, my new obsession: etsy.  buy and sell vintage and homemade items.  i'm in love.  i want to spend so much of my money there, it's unhealthy.