my next step

so after doing some pondering for a week or two i have finally decided what my next step is.  i'm the type that fully believes in following your dreams because they do come true.  by the age of 24 i accomplished my life long dream of being a sound engineer.  on to the next now.  i thought about becoming a baker.  i've wanted to for a while now, thought briefly about going to culinary school once i get some funds, but i had an epiphany.  i am going to become an event/wedding planner.  i've wanted to, not for as long as the baker thing, but i do want to.  and i think it's the right move for me right now.  it was a light bulb type moment once i realized that i can, and so i am.  but how?  not sure yet.  just starting to look into it now.  i am the girl who's been planning her wedding since i was a little girl.  and so naturally, i guess, it's something that i want to do: plan other people's fairy tale weddings.  and i think i'm at a point in my life where it seems like a good move.  so yeah, that's my next goal to aim for, my next dream to follow, my next step to take.

onto the next *EDIT*

so it's been a week since the whole fiasco unfolded.  i am sleeping on an air mattress in my friend's dinning room, which we made into my make-shift room.  it works, i guess.  it'll have to do, at least.  this is not one of my brightest ideas i'm sure, kind of like the utah idea.  i'm losing money being in austin, but i love this city and i want to stay.  however, i had an interview with a theatre out in florida.  i haven't been offered the job yet and it was a pretty bad interview, whatever.  i can survive on the pay out there, they provide housing, it's a great job for the resume, blah blah blah.  but it's a BIG move.  and it's still hurricane season, isn't it?  and i want to stay here.  i need to seriously consider all  my possibilities before they call me back, which should be by next week.  i just don't know.  i love the city.  i love being down here. 

i'm slowly making friends here.  my ex f*cked me over, but i'm on my feet, i'm surviving without his sorry ass helping me.  and i have my amazing friends and my job to thank.  i love my job, it's a sh*tty job, doesn't pay all my bills, but it's better than nothing.  i have had my schedule changed more times that i've been on the schedule at this point.  but i think i finally have a set schedule, we'll see what happens when i go into work tonight.  and yeah, it's not always ideal, i work grave shift thurs-sat and pull a double on sat.  i can't go out and party on 6th street with every other normal person in austin, but i like my job so i'll take what i can get.  and my customers have helped me deal with the bullsh*t of last week.  i have drunk (and sober) guys coming in at all hours of the night telling me how pretty i am, giving me thier number, and asking to hang out after work.  and a few coworkers have done the same.  keep feeding the ego guys, i'm loving it!  it has made me, not necessarily get over, but at least feel better about austin and the situation that i've been thrown into.  it's not ideal, but it's working for now. 

i'm looking for a second job.  i know i won't be able to partake in theatre any time soon with this work schedule, but i've accomplished that dream.  on to the next, right?  i still haven't fully thought about what life would be like without the one thing that i've had for the past ten plus years of my life.  can i live without theatre?  i think so.  maybe.  i'm also looking at my next dream, seeing where i want to take my life from here.  i've found the place i want to settle down.  now i just need to figure out my next career move, be it in or out of theatre.  i've always wanted to be a baker, making wedding cakes, cupcakes, cookies, whatever, just sharing love through sweets.  so i think that's my next step.  maybe.  i need money to get into culinary school.  maybe i'll just stay in the dinning room on an air mattress in my friend's apartment while i do some soul searching.

i have started dating again.  i used to hate dating.  and i haven't done it in so long.  i dated a guy in utah (aka tn) a few years ago.  i've gone out as friends with some guys.  and i guess i've had a few single dates here and there.  but never been on a series of dates with a complete stranger since before i graduated college.  yet somehow i end up with guys all the time.  but i'm dating again.  and it's fun.  i'm more comfortable with myself than i was back in college, so i open up more, i'm less nervous on dates now.  let the laundry list begin!

there's this guy, emo, we'll call him, adorable, like seriously, i want to wrap him up in my pocket and keep him.  he's not completely attractive.  he has tattoo sleeves.  wears pants tighter than me.  dyed dark hair.  all black.  you know, the emo kid.  he's 27, plays guitar, looking to be an musician.  no real set goals, not really going anywhere in life.  he's actually about to move to nyc, best of luck to him.  i work with him, he's a pretty chill dude.  i like him.  when he's sober that is.  i don't know why i was naive and didn't put two and two together.  emo kid, why am i surprised he does some hard sh*t?  seriously?!  he's a different person when he's on drugs, still a cool dude, just not someone i want to spend time with.  but i've hung out with him a few times, he's chill, i like him.  i'm just meeting people.  he knows i don't do drugs and found an old friend and left with her last night from the bar.  that's cool, i made sure his friend made it home ok... ;)

bass.  he plays bass with emo.  cuter than emo, less tattoos, less emo, less druggie, so a better version of emo boy.  bass is in the same boat i am, down to a T.  (it's amazing how many people share my story of my current situation!)  moved down here to be with a chic, she's f*cked up, long story, he broke up with her about 6 weeks ago because she's not getting the help she needs.  he's still heart broken, dealing with getting over her, and i am doing the same with austin.  i doubt this will go anywhere, we just met last night, but i'm curious to see if we keep in touch.  and i'm curious to see what happens when i see emo at work in a few hours.

there's this other guy at work who got my number the same night emo did.  mma.  he has goals, ambitions, pretty cute, muscles.  but he reminds me of a friend in ft worth, looks almost identical, total turn off.  i gave him my number a week ago, still hasn't called.  i'm gonna have to have a talk with this kid.  i just want one date to see what he's like outside of work.  we flirt all the time there, so why won't he call?

two guys were in town for acl from san diego.  cuties.  got a number.  sd1 might move down here in the future.  he'll let me know if/when he does.  too bad sd2 was more attractive and more my type.  oh well.  i'm just having fun!  :)

haha, one more.  i've let this guy back into my life, probably a poor decision and i know it was for all the wrong reasons, but i did it, we'll see what happens.  i texted keys yesterday to let him know i was back in texas and living in austin.  we're planning to grab a drink in the near future to catch up.  i'm making sure austin knows we're friends.

**EDITED IN*  i forgot about a guy.  like i said, laundry list.  my manager.  bless his heart.  total cutie.  quirky (but aren't we all?)  and he has been flirting with me ever since he first laid eyes on me.  and i dig him.  but manager, really?  i can't do that, can i?  no.  no i can't.  i know that.  but my judgement skills are lacking currently.  grr.

one last thing to make my life oh so grand.  i still have the apartment key and gate card to austin's apartment.  do i text him and let him know?  do i just show up when he's not there and drop it off?  do i keep it until he asks for it back?  any input from my mystery readers???

sh*t has hit the fan

just when i thought my life was settling down i find out it's not.  i was drama free, happy, starting a new life in a new city with someone who i thought cared for me, i had a job, and a theatre gig.  now i'm stuck between a rock and a hard place with no where to go and no one who can really help.  i'm done trying to explain the situation, so if you know what happened then congratulations.  i will however post the downright rude text messages that i received for your reading pleasure.  in addition, i'll try to replay the entire conversation with my replies to the best of my memory.  enjoy!


her: hi beth. this is seans ex gf sarah. i was going through his stuff and found you're staying at his place. i will be in town tomorrow with 4 of my girlfriends staying at his place for acl weekend. just so you know.
me: um, ok. when are you coming into town?
her: tomorrow morning. i would clear out. i'm trying to work things out with sean so you being there isn't going to work.
me: um yeah no, i'm not leaving sorry.
her: ok well good thing i have a key. we will be there tomorrow morning. just wanted to give you a heads up. hope you have a blow up mattress.  :)
me: yeah um just so you know, i'm living here with him and not just as a roommate so any plan to get back with him isn't going to work out well for you. sorry.
her: lol, you've lived there for a week.  you're like a 5 and im a 10. i wouldn't be too confident sweetheart.
me: sure whatever you say.
her: (insert picture of her here) sorry, i'm more gorgeous than you. get out of my bfs apartment before things get ugly.
her: i could send more pics from my modeling portfolio if you're interested.
her: (insert another picture here)
me: and yet i'm the one who's living with him now, obviously i have something you don't.
her: lol, it's cute you think it's something more but snap out of it princess.
her: you're staying to find a job. i know you're unemployed i have a job and you're free loading. go back to your low budget apartment complex in south side dallas.
me: sweetie i have a job but thanks for your concern.
her: then why are you in austin looking for one? i heard mcdolalds is hiring!
me: honey, my job is in austin. why are you even worried about my life? there's a reason you're no longer with him, i'm sorry you're jealous.
her: lolololololol.  you're not with him that's all i know. we will have fun tonight at the show while you're at home. good thing i got that suite with him downtown ;) jealous? haha you wish
her: hey doll. we have had a great night so you might want to rethink the little camp site you set up at seans
 
 
 
i know she was bluffing the whole time, he had a show, so i know there was no suite.  i have no clue really as to how she found out my life story and my number, she hacked into sean's computer or something.  here's what i do know: i deserve better than him, he deserves better than her.  this is all just a f*cked up mess and i'm out.

big girl life

after a little over a year and a half of living the gypsy lifestyle i have settled down.  i have my first job interview tomorrow morning and first crew meeting for my first theatre gig in my new city.  i've always been fortunate enough to have a job lined up wherever i go.  i had a job right out of college, which is a rare thing this day and age.  now granted, it didn't pay the bills and support my habits and i lost money, but it was a decent job and it was something good to start my professional resume and career with.  then i went out of theatre for a month before finding a new job in a new city.  now after that job i had nowhere to go, so i moved back in with the parents at the ripe age of twenty three.  eventually i found some work bartending which lead to a bad time in my life but was able to get myself out of that hole and go back to the same place i had worked that previous summer.  i had my parents to support me while i was unemployed though, which was nice; i had a roof over my head, my meals paid for, all i had to do was pay my bills.  luckily i wasn't jobless for an extended period of time and made a good amount of cash bartending.  after i went back to the gig for the summer, i then had nothing else afterwards lined up.  i'm now twenty four, i no longer find it ok to live off of the parental support system, so i packed up my bags and moved in with a guy i know.  i still haven't officially moved in yet, it's a weird situation and neither of us are confrontational, so we're just going day by day at this point.  but as of tonight, i am here to stay, with no job, no income, and bills that still need to be paid.  but i have a glimpse of hope now with this interview.  hopefully, although a crappy job, i will get it.  and if i'm really lucky, i'll get a phone call from this other place that pays better and is full time, opposed to this part time minimum wage job.  and in the mean time, i have a theatre gig, although not a great gig, it's something.  it's volunteer for a, how should we say, interesting play.  but it will get me meeting new people and keep my foot in the theatre door, hopefully i will be able to work for the production company or the theatre after this show.  i'm still a stranger in a strange land, but i'm starting a new life in a new city.  a fresh start to this no longer gypsy.  i am content with life for now (although i think it might have a little to do with being drama free!).  bring on the big girl life!

a boy for every season

The time has finally come for an update for my life after the mac. I have since left ne behind and have not heard from him at all. I sent him a text and never got a response. Slightly upsetting, yet not surprising. He told me while we in ny that he had always kept in contact with me throughout our year apart, that is in fact a lie, the only time he did text me was out of the blue when he was drunk and/or heartbroken or upset. He used me to make him feel better all the while he did nothing but upset me and hurt me. And I’m finished. I’m through. I’ve had enough. I am walking away and I will never see him again and I’m more than ok with this. He can suck my ass. I wish him all the luck in his new badass job, however I hope he is out of my life completely now.


On my way back home I stopped to see ut because it was a free place to stay. I ended up being there for three nights and two whole days. I had a fun time there, met some of his coworkers, got to see some shows for free. I’ve not been able to actually sit down and watch a show without being a part of it in many years, so it was quite enjoyable. Of course I sat there and critiqued and compared each show to how I ran things. And I thought about how I would have done it differently. But I run my shows completely different than the way they do there. It was nice to see a theatre that was actually like a family, the way it’s supposed to be. My house was very distant from each other, no one really hung out, everyone was just there to do their job and go home. And everyone was always unhappy for whatever reason, no one actually wanted to be there. Not what I’m used to. I’m used to people hanging out together, going to bars, having family dinners, sitting around talking, just being an overall family. And this place was, I feel that it would be a good place for me to work. And the a2 is about to quit and his contract is almost up, so I might, hopefully, maybe, doubtful, but maybe be getting a phone call in a few months asking me to go out there. That’d be nice, but I doubt it. Plus I don’t think I can stand living with the ex. It’d be too painful, I’m still a jealous person and he still has feelings for me. He’s attached to me as I am to ne. I think I can still remain friends with ut, I’d kind of like that, he’s a good guy, I just can’t spend more than three days with him.

And now I’m home. Went to see my parents, they missed me, they’re glad I’m back. I just don’t feel like my room in their house is the place for me right now. It’s not where I belong currently, it’s nice though to be able to still have it to fall back on. Currently I’m in Austin visiting Austin. Things are where we left off. Texting all summer long definitely helped out relationship, we are not nearly as awkward as we were when I left. We know each other a little better now too. So we are closer. And it’s nice. I feel that there is definitely something here worth sticking around for. I like him, he’s cute, sweet, adorable, funny, and we have a lot in common, we also have a lot of differences. We are learning about each other, we are each full of surprises and it’s fun getting to know someone on an intimate level, it’s been a while for me, and I’m rather enjoying it. I’m still working out the details to see if I can in fact move down here. I’d like to, it’s a great place for me, so much culture and diversity, it’s city but also has country, there’s a lake, some good places to hiking, more places to just go walking, so much art, so much to do, so much food and alcohol. Like I said, it’s a great place for me, an artsy city girl who enjoys a good hike. We’ll see what happens. I’m on my toes for now going back and forth between Austin and Dallas just trying to figure out my next step in life.