alternate titles:
i hate that i can relate my life to the jersey shore
ronnie and sammie = me and ne
here we go again
third time's a charm right?
wrote this the day after ne arrived, meaning about 3 days ago or so:
this is my third time being with ne. our second time to be reunited. and we have yet again picked up where we left off. i asked what his thoughts were on our situation and he said whatever i'm ok with is ok with him, it'd be nice if we got together but if it was too awkward then he understood. we have a serious attraction to each other that's never gone away. good news is i'm not in love with him anymore. might pick that back up in the month that he's here. not sure if i want to or not. i mean, i do, but i don't want my heart to get broken again by this guy, he's done that a few times now. i wrote him out of my life, was severely heartbroken, made a few mistakes, and eventually got over him. i don't want to go through that again but i am definitely still attracted to him. part of me wants to be with him, always has. but i have this good thing going with tx and i want to see where that takes me to. or am i just using tx to get a job? my feelings are so mixed up right now with the addition of ne and not seeing tx in so long. but everything happens for a reason. i came to ny for a job, a job i didn't really want at the time (or throughout most of my time here) and now ne is back and i'm off to figure out life now and see if i can figure out that reason.
thoughts from today:
so things will probably never be the same. and i'm ok with this. i keep being reminded of the guy that i ran from, the guy i shut out of my life. while it's nice to see him again, because it truly is, i'm ok with not seeing him again after this time spent in ny. we're two different people. always have been, but i've since changed while i lived in utah. and unless he gets sober again (alcohol is his only drug) and unless he grows up, it's never going to work out. and i've become content with this, so i believe as of now.
so my friend left last sat and while i was beyond annoyed with her, i'd do anything to trade her back in for my new roommate. she's a smoker, or at least was, i'm not really sure. i've only met her once, we've been on opposite schedules since her arrival, so who knows if my opinion will change. but as of right now, i dislike her. our room smells like stale cig smoke, and it gives me a head ache when enter into our room after a long day at the theatre. i don't know how to prevent all my belongs from smelling the same, nor do i know how to not offend her. but at this rate, it's gonna be a long month.
we open our last mainstage show tomorrow. we still have our jr mainstage after that. the end is near, yet so far away. it's going to be a roller coaster, just like this whole summer has been.
ps, as for the ronnie and sammie/jersey show comparison: i'm living with a guy i used to date. i like the show, it makes me feel better about my life. deal with it.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
week 13 : bittersweet symphony
two people whom i grew close to left beginning of this week. they went back to home to get ready for the upcoming semester. oh college, life is somewhat dull without you. but the real world is throwing me curve balls left and right currently. i already miss dr cinnamon and mi. i would have deep conversations with them, bitch fits, and lots of laughs. family dinners are no more. no more hippy meals. no more pizza pizazz. no more dirty dishes piled high. no more used car lot parking lot. i can't believe the summer is almost gone. a few months ago i never though i would make it this far, but here i am, and there they go. i lost two friends but i'm gaining another back. someone i thought i would never see again, someone i was once in love with, someone who broke my heart, and someone who i shut out of my life for good, or so i thought. ne is back in my life. and it's not too different yet. but here we are. it's difficult. i want to just pick up where we left off, but i don't want to rush things. then again we only have a month and a half. a good friend said to me "i know you don't regret, but don't regret." i think that's my motto for the rest of summer.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
a day in the life of a sound engineer
i'm home from a 14 hour day spent at the theatre, so the brain is more than fried. i had children's show, children's workshop, two mainstage shows, and coffee house. i hope things make sense.
i work in a theatre-in-the-round. the seats are arranged into 4 sections. 1 is in front of me, 2 is one of the larger sections, 3 is the smallest, and 4 is the other larger one and the one that the stage is generally "facing". aisle 2 is part of the stage, while the other aisles are entry ways to the stage, leading to the sound booth (a1), the pit (a3), and the offices (a4). the producer paid an "expert" to place the speakers. whomever did it is an idiot. there is no center cluster in any section, just single speakers on the left and the right sides of the two larger sections. there is no speaker in section three while section one and four appear to be joined with the two speakers one either side. and there are 3 speakers above the stage, one of which the music comes from and the other pair is supposed to be vox. vox... above the stage... where people wear mics... and you want the mics to come from that... without feedback? uh huh. i am unable to change anything necessary to make is sound "proper". there is really no "good" seat. section 3 is the worst, obviously. back of 2 is bad as well. the way i have made things work, be it correct or not, it's my system so i'll do as i please, is there are vox coming from the 4 house speakers and music from the stage, making the two other speakers above the stage useless due to feedback. there is no other way to do it really. so if you're in the front few rows, you hear nothing but music. and no one seems to understand the logistics of sound. it kills me really, because i see it to be common sense. guess not. i often get told by audience that they can't hear the vox. i just smile and nod and say i'll do what i can to fix it so they will walk away. i miss proscenium. i don't remember how to work a proscenium any more though. but it's probably like riding a bike, once you do a little it'll come back to you. right? (i never learned how to ride a bike, so i never have understood that expression.) i am next to never mentioned in a review, i'm used to it. the reviews mention how shitty the synthesizer keyboards and virtual drums sound, but that has nothing to do with me. however, in our most recent review, the guy ripped everything imaginable apart, including me. he said that he couldn't hear the horrible sounding keyboards. really dude? because i had three audience members come up to me tonight telling me they couldn't hear the vox. i didn't do anything different from when the reviewer was there. and to be fair, the jackass came to our first public showing, which we still have notes after. douche. it all depends on where you sit. like i said, there is no good seat in this theatre-in-the round. especially when it's in a barn on a coffee table build by farmers.
i work in a theatre-in-the-round. the seats are arranged into 4 sections. 1 is in front of me, 2 is one of the larger sections, 3 is the smallest, and 4 is the other larger one and the one that the stage is generally "facing". aisle 2 is part of the stage, while the other aisles are entry ways to the stage, leading to the sound booth (a1), the pit (a3), and the offices (a4). the producer paid an "expert" to place the speakers. whomever did it is an idiot. there is no center cluster in any section, just single speakers on the left and the right sides of the two larger sections. there is no speaker in section three while section one and four appear to be joined with the two speakers one either side. and there are 3 speakers above the stage, one of which the music comes from and the other pair is supposed to be vox. vox... above the stage... where people wear mics... and you want the mics to come from that... without feedback? uh huh. i am unable to change anything necessary to make is sound "proper". there is really no "good" seat. section 3 is the worst, obviously. back of 2 is bad as well. the way i have made things work, be it correct or not, it's my system so i'll do as i please, is there are vox coming from the 4 house speakers and music from the stage, making the two other speakers above the stage useless due to feedback. there is no other way to do it really. so if you're in the front few rows, you hear nothing but music. and no one seems to understand the logistics of sound. it kills me really, because i see it to be common sense. guess not. i often get told by audience that they can't hear the vox. i just smile and nod and say i'll do what i can to fix it so they will walk away. i miss proscenium. i don't remember how to work a proscenium any more though. but it's probably like riding a bike, once you do a little it'll come back to you. right? (i never learned how to ride a bike, so i never have understood that expression.) i am next to never mentioned in a review, i'm used to it. the reviews mention how shitty the synthesizer keyboards and virtual drums sound, but that has nothing to do with me. however, in our most recent review, the guy ripped everything imaginable apart, including me. he said that he couldn't hear the horrible sounding keyboards. really dude? because i had three audience members come up to me tonight telling me they couldn't hear the vox. i didn't do anything different from when the reviewer was there. and to be fair, the jackass came to our first public showing, which we still have notes after. douche. it all depends on where you sit. like i said, there is no good seat in this theatre-in-the round. especially when it's in a barn on a coffee table build by farmers.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
week 12 : reflecting back on christmas in july
i learned a lot about myself in the long month of july. i have found new loves. i have made mistakes. i have had a great time. i've also had a lot of upsetting moments. a few stressful moments too. and i would not take anything back. i think july is going down as my favorite month for the summer.
i'm generally the person who likes to be close to home around Christmas time. i never like to be alone. i'm always wanting to be near to the people i love. and i love spending as much time with my family as i can. but last night i learned, more so than ever before in my 23 years of living, that it is okay to spend Christmas with people who are not blood related. no matter how much you dislike each other, everyone comes together to make sure everyone is happy and loved. we concluded our week of secret santa last night. and for the first time, other than within the first week at the mac, everyone was truly happy. it was an amazing thing to witness.
mr. ne is coming to ny. he will be here in a week and a half. and although i am excited to see the guy i was once in love with, i know it will not be the same, i know that he might probably be coming for all the wrong reasons, that maybe i pressured him into coming. he is getting out of strike at his job to get here in time for the build. i have changed so much since leaving utah, but i feel my mindset might be back near that of the time i spent there. and he has changed a lot as well. we have both matured immensely. and i highly doubt that things will be the same. i doubt we'll pick up where we left off. i think he might truly like me still, and never realized how much he liked me until i was gone. it's been a year. and i'm not sure of what will happen. i fear that i tricked him into coming. i failed to inform him of the living and working conditions. i think though he's just looking to get out of utah and this is his first step. it'll give him a month to figure out his future. and i know that i'm the other half to the real reason he's coming.
tx gave me another reason to hate him. ok, so hate's such a strong word, dislike. i have 1.5 months left and we are continuing to grow apart. i feel that he's giving me every reason to want to be in austin, showing me that i shouldn't have left, maybe. last night, though, made me feel that i made the right choice. just one night of happiness turned my world around. we'll see what happens this next week though. we start changeover tonight into mame. it's a HUGE set show with very few sound effects and i'm not using all my mics. if i can survive this week, i'll get to see ne middle of next.
and to pass any time not spent in rehearsals, my new obsession: etsy. buy and sell vintage and homemade items. i'm in love. i want to spend so much of my money there, it's unhealthy.
i'm generally the person who likes to be close to home around Christmas time. i never like to be alone. i'm always wanting to be near to the people i love. and i love spending as much time with my family as i can. but last night i learned, more so than ever before in my 23 years of living, that it is okay to spend Christmas with people who are not blood related. no matter how much you dislike each other, everyone comes together to make sure everyone is happy and loved. we concluded our week of secret santa last night. and for the first time, other than within the first week at the mac, everyone was truly happy. it was an amazing thing to witness.
mr. ne is coming to ny. he will be here in a week and a half. and although i am excited to see the guy i was once in love with, i know it will not be the same, i know that he might probably be coming for all the wrong reasons, that maybe i pressured him into coming. he is getting out of strike at his job to get here in time for the build. i have changed so much since leaving utah, but i feel my mindset might be back near that of the time i spent there. and he has changed a lot as well. we have both matured immensely. and i highly doubt that things will be the same. i doubt we'll pick up where we left off. i think he might truly like me still, and never realized how much he liked me until i was gone. it's been a year. and i'm not sure of what will happen. i fear that i tricked him into coming. i failed to inform him of the living and working conditions. i think though he's just looking to get out of utah and this is his first step. it'll give him a month to figure out his future. and i know that i'm the other half to the real reason he's coming.
tx gave me another reason to hate him. ok, so hate's such a strong word, dislike. i have 1.5 months left and we are continuing to grow apart. i feel that he's giving me every reason to want to be in austin, showing me that i shouldn't have left, maybe. last night, though, made me feel that i made the right choice. just one night of happiness turned my world around. we'll see what happens this next week though. we start changeover tonight into mame. it's a HUGE set show with very few sound effects and i'm not using all my mics. if i can survive this week, i'll get to see ne middle of next.
and to pass any time not spent in rehearsals, my new obsession: etsy. buy and sell vintage and homemade items. i'm in love. i want to spend so much of my money there, it's unhealthy.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
week 11 : family, the christmas spirit, and growing up
the head ushers have adopted me for the summer. they make sure i'm doing well, bring me medicine when i'm sick, make sure i eat dinner. it's really cute. and makes me feel special. they know i'm from texas and that my closest family is in another time zone.
time has again come to a slow pace. i just want to go home. that's not completely true. i just want a job that doesn't have such a crazy schedule. i want weekends again. i want a life. to have fun. to live. to be young. because i am growing up, i need to have fun while i still can.
christmas in july is going strong here in my tiny village. we are doing secret santa at the theatre. keeps our morals going. makes things interesting. keeps us wanting to come to work day in and day out. we are all beat.
i just need to make it till the first week in august. then my time left will be short. or i need mr. utah to get hired for the last month to pick up my spirits.
time has again come to a slow pace. i just want to go home. that's not completely true. i just want a job that doesn't have such a crazy schedule. i want weekends again. i want a life. to have fun. to live. to be young. because i am growing up, i need to have fun while i still can.
christmas in july is going strong here in my tiny village. we are doing secret santa at the theatre. keeps our morals going. makes things interesting. keeps us wanting to come to work day in and day out. we are all beat.
i just need to make it till the first week in august. then my time left will be short. or i need mr. utah to get hired for the last month to pick up my spirits.
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