week 17 : down to the wire

this is my next to last post from the great state of new york.  in 12 days, if i'm lucky, if not then 13, i will be hitting the road again.  12 days.  damn.  i'm kind of in panic mode.  i have no job after here, no real plan.  my current plan is to go live off of hopes and dreams.  i've made it this far on them, so i should be ok.  beside, i know things will fall into place once i am back in my home state, and once i am settled into my new place of residence.  as i mentioned in my last blog, over the course of the last week i have grown farther apart from the one nearest and closer to one farthest.  i still seek companionship from ne, i still want someone to fall asleep next to, someone to cuddle with, and he was good for that.  but lately we've slept in our own beds.  i'm kind of upset about it, but i know that it's my fault.  i mention austin too much.  that's because he is the one i want to be with, i know he will make me happy.  dammit, i keep thinking he's going to be the greatest and i don't know him well enough yet.  i've only gotten to know him over the course of the summer via text and yet i'm painting all these wonderful pictures in my head of how much better my life will be once we are together.  i'm setting myself up for failure here.  i just see that austin is a much better person than ne and i know he won't put me through all the bullsh*t that ne has.  ne is like a tornado, same as me, we destroy things in our paths, we ruin relationships when we see that they are going well, it's part of why we used to fit together so well.  he sees that i care for austin though and he won't come near me, unless he's drunk that is, because then he will be all over me and i have to fight him off, which then pisses him off, and you know what, ne is an asshole.  i've always known this to be true, but everything looks better through rose colored glasses.  i need to find my pair again, life was better with them, oh i think i left them in texas actually, that would explain why this summer has sucked, at least part of the reason anyway.  where were we?  oh yeah, bitching about ne and praising austin.  i just want someone who genuinely cares about me, and i think he does.  however, i have picked up the drunken pieces of ne too many damn times and i've gotten nothing but drunk texts from austin lately.  i know he's unhappy at his job and wants me back but i am tired of picking up other peoples lives when i get nothing in return.  this another problem i have with ne and i hope austin will pull it together when i get there because i'm done.  i want to be cared for and loved like i do for others.  grr.  wow i really just needed a good rantfest because no one here is willing to listen as i am for them.  f*ck heads.  this is why i'm shooting for 12 days.  twelve.  t.w.e.l.v.e.  i can make it.  i've made it this far.  let's just hope i don't kill ne by then.

week 16 : wake me up when september ends

there has been so much yet so little that has happened.  too many drunken arguments with two different individuals.  a benefit for the murdered.  moonshine lullabies.  tears shed.  mistakes made.  regrets justified.  grown closer to the one far away and grew farther from the one nearest.  20 days and counting and my life is gonna go for another spin.  this might be my last theatre job for a while.  i can't wrap my head around anything right now.  i can't believe i've lasted all summer.  twenty days is right around the corner but i still have 8 performances of showboat and i still have to open birdie.  when looked at it show wise, the end is still so far, but twenty days, holy crap!

end of summer cabaret

we just had our end of season cabaret.  makes it seem more real that the summer is almost over.
we're a family here.  but once we leave, we will never see nor talk to anyone we grew close to.
that's the sad truth of it, it's how summer stock works.
23 more days until i leave.
next sunday most everyone will partake in their final day.
i'm saddened by this.  but after getting things a little more in order back home, i'm more than ready to leave.  i'm actually excited to visit home, to be with him.
i'm not saying good-bye yet though.  i refuse to.  i'm going to continue to smile and have a good time with my friends, my family, here. 

Kiss today goodbye,
The sweetness and the sorrow.
Wish me luck, the same to you.
But I can't regret
What I did for love, what I did for love.
Look my eyes are dry.
The gift was ours to borrow.
It's as if we always knew,
And I won't forget what I did for love,
What I did for love.
Gone,
Love is never gone.
As we travel on,
Love's what we'll remember.
Kiss today goodbye,
And point me t'ward tomorrow.
We did what we had to do.
Won't forget, can't regret
What I did for
Love
What I did for
Love
What I did for...
Love
Love is never gone
As we travel one
Love's what we'll remember
Kiss today goodbye.
And point me t'ward tomorrow.
Point me t'ward tomorrow
We did what we had to do.
Won't forget, can't regret
What I did for love.
What I did for love.
What I did for love.
Love
-"What I Did For Love" A Chorus Line

broken mirror, a letter to a friend

something i wrote to someone who i will never give it to:

why do i care?  why am i nice?  why do i put myself through hell to make you feel better?  why am i blaming myself for something that you did?  and again i ask, why do i care? 

i'm so sick and tired of trying to make you happy.  it's an impossible task and causes nothing but pain for me.  yeah, so, you're hurting, i've been there, which is why i tried to help in the first place.  but you can't be debbie downer for always and forever.  you can't mask your problems.  and alcohol will not make them disappear. 

i made a mistake by giving you the option to come out here.  but you made the first mistake by contacting me after months of silence.  why are you running?  what are you really running from?  you need to just deal with your problems head on so that you will quit moping around and quit being the town drunk.

if you want help, someone to listen, someone who won't judge you, i'm here.  just let it all out.  but i'm trying to fix something that you won't let come out.  until you open up, i'm out.  i can't deal with this.  grow up.  face your demons.  and let me be a friend, if nothing else.  don't shut out the only friend you have here.  you'll have nothing left and that will not help your problems.

i'm here for you when you are ready to open up.  i'm here for you as i always have been and always will be.  i'm here for you when you're never there for me.  i'm here for whatever you need.  i'm here for you when i know i shouldn't be.  through it all, i'm here for you.

week 15 : pipe dreams and broken records

things are moving slow as a snail here.  start week two of our three week show tomorrow.  and i'm tired of it already.  no recent development with ne.  and i'm content with this.  i don't need nor want anything serious to come out of it.  just keep each other company, deal with our demons, and leave each other behind again, probably to never see each other again.  although, we see where that statement got us last time.  ut is still always contacting me.  i don't mind.  probably just wants things to not be awkward when i get there to visit, like it was last time.  i like talking to him.  we're friends again.  it's nice.  atx formerly known as tx can't wait any longer for me to get there.  i've been asked a couple of times now what i what, who i see myself with, who's my ideal guy, what do i want out of each, etc.  here's my answer: i would, always have, wanted to end up with ne but i know it will never happen.  we are two very different people in very different parts of our lives always and still.  ut is a good person, he will always be attached to me, and a part of me will always be with him, i think we will always be friends, and if we ever end up in the same place we would date again, and i wouldn't mind that.  however it won't happen, or i don't think it will.  atx, well i just don't know about that one.  we were starting to get to know each other when i was there.  distance is continuing to tear us apart.  i'll be able to answer the questions pertaining to him in a month.  so for now, i'm gonna keep company with ne, go visit a newly redeveloped friend tn and have fun, then make it back to atx to pick up the pieces.  (broken record)

i have encountered my most difficult sound effect to date.  i need a specific recording of ed sullivan's voice.  i've had easy breezy sfxs up until now.  and i'm stuck on this one.  i don't know how i'm gonna find it.  any suggestions?  did i mention i hate birdie?  because i do.  i was in utah at a road house when the tour came through, since i was a girl i was put on wardrobe, followed around leads who walked all over me, and listened to annoying songs over and over.  and now i have to legit do it here.  i.  hate.  birdie.  and by the time i'm done with the show in ny, i will have a passion of hatred for the show.  i want this birdie to go bye bye.  and conrad, as for you, i don't love you, sorry.  (song: "we love you conrad, oh yes we do, we love you conrad.... ")  (broken record)

seeing as how i have less than a month left in this sh*t hole, i've started the dreaded job search.  no one is hiring.  i've sent my resume to a couple of places.  and searched the theatres in austin, but nothing is open.  i don't know what i'm going to do.  i just started the hunt and i'm already freaking out.  this isn't bueno.  i just want a position as an a2 at a road house, preferably in austin.  is that so much to ask? (pipe dream)