week 18 (part 2) : the final chapter

Well this is goodbye, the end of you and me
We’ve set this boat ablaze and pushed it out to sea
And nothing that’s on board will survive
This is goodbye

Well this is goodbye, not the kind we’ve had before
We’re out of one more tries, there won’t be anymore
And all the grays have turned to black and white
This is goodbye

This is hard, this is hell
This is pain like I have never felt
This is final, love has failed
This is walking away from us to save ourselves
This is goodbye

Well this is goodbye, in my heart there’s no doubt
Cause I can feel the broken pieces trying to cut their way out
Some of them I know I’ll never find
This is goodbye

This is hard, this is hell
This is pain like I have never felt
This is final, love has failed
This is walking away from us to save ourselves
This is goodbye
This is final, love has failed
This is walking away from us to save ourselves
This is goodbye
This is goodbye

this is goodbye - randy rogers band



i've made new friends.  embedded memories into my mind.  had some laughs and i've shed some tears.  it is now time for me to leave this place, to close this chapter in my life.  it is very bittersweet.  i'm excited to go home but so very sad to say goodbye to these people who were my family over the course of the last few months.  i know i will never see any of these people again, and that's what hurts the most.  we became close, we were there for each other though the good times and the bad, we laughed together, drank a lot together, got into arguments, and now we all must move onto our next mission in life.  i can't keep doing this, i can't keep living this lifestyle.  i am so tired of packing my bags every few months and even more tired of leaving the people i care for.  i just want to forever be with those who i love, no saying goodbye.  life would be so much simpler.  and boring too, i'm sure.  but this is the gypsy life, the life of a freelancer.  my life.  and this is goodbye.

the fuzzy future of a worry wart

so i awoke this morning in the cold house a little distraught.  austin has been on my mind a lot as of late, but the fear of unemployment has been more of a burden in my thoughts.  as i have mentioned before, i have been painting this wonderful picture of my future, living unemployed in austin with him.  the time is getting nearer so i'm thinking about it more and more, getting more anxious with each passing day.  i know he is a sweetheart, he is kind and caring, a little shy.  since i don't know him fully, or at all really, i must imagine what else he might be like.  you know, the kind that will make sure others are happy before he his, a bit of a hard ass when it comes to work, if you piss him off (mainly the ppl he works with) he will eventually snap and will definitely laugh at you when you fail because he believes in karma (that last part is actually true, sorry drummer boy), the person who will offer whatever he can to ensure your well being.  ok, now with that last one being said, i can tell you that part might be fully true.  he did offer me his apartment to stay at, i suggested only while i was looking for a place of my own, he was talking full time.  that's wonderful, he's only there half the time with his job and it'll cut back his rent once i find a job, and will be fairly cheap comparatively with rent in austin for me; we'll go 50/50, it'll be great, right?  haha, no.  so i have come to realize that he has offered his place to many others as well, and not just anyone, the female kind.  um, ok, i know i haven't been there all summer, but we have talked about it at various points throughout.  and we discussed it a few days ago again.  and yet i still find all the girls posting on his facebook about "oh, hey, i'm coming to austin, can't wait to see you" "i'll be at the show, we should hang out" "hey, i'm moving to austin, you might get a new roomie".  what. the. hell?!  i know i'm jumping to conclusions here, but seriously?  you tell me time and time again that "you've been waiting for me to get back" "you haven't been with anyone" "you don't share well with others".  yeah, well things are nearly the same way with me buddy boy!  i was waiting too.  yes i flirted (ok, a lot) but i didn't get with anyone until i started seeing these messages for chics (and you even told me yourself that you have looked but never touched, honey i know you work for a band, you've seen more tits at shows than at a friggen strip club!!).  and i sure as hell don't share well with others!  aahhhh!!!  soon i will find out the truth.  i can't just bombard him with text messages asking him about all these girls, but i will mention it to him when i see him.  not for a while still though.  and if all else fails, i guess i'll have to move back to dallas in with my parents at the age of 24.  f.m.l.  i need a new career path.

week 18 (pt 1) : this is the end, my only friend, the end

in four days i leave.  i am ready.  i will miss my friends here but i need to leave.  ne causes nothing but pain and trouble any time we're around each other.  and i need him out of my life.  even though i care about him deep down and i always will.  but i need his unhealthy atmosphere away from me.  i know i will never see him again and it makes me sad but i need him out of my life again.  i'm more sane, i'm more level headed, i'm safe.  with him i get into trouble, i cause pain to myself, him, and everyone important in my life.  there's just too much emotional damage done and it's not yet over.  in four days i get to leave, drive to see ut to have my fun there.  that will cause more problems, but i can keep them from happening.  so long as i'm not an emotion wreck from saying goodbye to ne.  the light at the end of my tunnel is austin.  i cannot wait to see him again.  to be happy, to be with him, to have a normal relationship.

i have three days left of shows, four shows to run, and a half of a day of putting gear in storage.  four shows and i might not do theatre again for a long while.  i should cherish these last four shows in the next three days.  however the people at this theatre annoy me so.  making me excited to leave in four days.  it's a scale, when i'm away from the theatre i'm sad that i have four shows left.  when i'm there, i'm ready to run as fast as i can from here.  four shows.  then no more theatre.  four days then i'm away from the people who have driven me almost to an insane asylum.  i leave on monday.  four shows in three days, leave in four days. 

bitter.  sweet.

week 17 : down to the wire

this is my next to last post from the great state of new york.  in 12 days, if i'm lucky, if not then 13, i will be hitting the road again.  12 days.  damn.  i'm kind of in panic mode.  i have no job after here, no real plan.  my current plan is to go live off of hopes and dreams.  i've made it this far on them, so i should be ok.  beside, i know things will fall into place once i am back in my home state, and once i am settled into my new place of residence.  as i mentioned in my last blog, over the course of the last week i have grown farther apart from the one nearest and closer to one farthest.  i still seek companionship from ne, i still want someone to fall asleep next to, someone to cuddle with, and he was good for that.  but lately we've slept in our own beds.  i'm kind of upset about it, but i know that it's my fault.  i mention austin too much.  that's because he is the one i want to be with, i know he will make me happy.  dammit, i keep thinking he's going to be the greatest and i don't know him well enough yet.  i've only gotten to know him over the course of the summer via text and yet i'm painting all these wonderful pictures in my head of how much better my life will be once we are together.  i'm setting myself up for failure here.  i just see that austin is a much better person than ne and i know he won't put me through all the bullsh*t that ne has.  ne is like a tornado, same as me, we destroy things in our paths, we ruin relationships when we see that they are going well, it's part of why we used to fit together so well.  he sees that i care for austin though and he won't come near me, unless he's drunk that is, because then he will be all over me and i have to fight him off, which then pisses him off, and you know what, ne is an asshole.  i've always known this to be true, but everything looks better through rose colored glasses.  i need to find my pair again, life was better with them, oh i think i left them in texas actually, that would explain why this summer has sucked, at least part of the reason anyway.  where were we?  oh yeah, bitching about ne and praising austin.  i just want someone who genuinely cares about me, and i think he does.  however, i have picked up the drunken pieces of ne too many damn times and i've gotten nothing but drunk texts from austin lately.  i know he's unhappy at his job and wants me back but i am tired of picking up other peoples lives when i get nothing in return.  this another problem i have with ne and i hope austin will pull it together when i get there because i'm done.  i want to be cared for and loved like i do for others.  grr.  wow i really just needed a good rantfest because no one here is willing to listen as i am for them.  f*ck heads.  this is why i'm shooting for 12 days.  twelve.  t.w.e.l.v.e.  i can make it.  i've made it this far.  let's just hope i don't kill ne by then.

week 16 : wake me up when september ends

there has been so much yet so little that has happened.  too many drunken arguments with two different individuals.  a benefit for the murdered.  moonshine lullabies.  tears shed.  mistakes made.  regrets justified.  grown closer to the one far away and grew farther from the one nearest.  20 days and counting and my life is gonna go for another spin.  this might be my last theatre job for a while.  i can't wrap my head around anything right now.  i can't believe i've lasted all summer.  twenty days is right around the corner but i still have 8 performances of showboat and i still have to open birdie.  when looked at it show wise, the end is still so far, but twenty days, holy crap!