week 17 : down to the wire

this is my next to last post from the great state of new york.  in 12 days, if i'm lucky, if not then 13, i will be hitting the road again.  12 days.  damn.  i'm kind of in panic mode.  i have no job after here, no real plan.  my current plan is to go live off of hopes and dreams.  i've made it this far on them, so i should be ok.  beside, i know things will fall into place once i am back in my home state, and once i am settled into my new place of residence.  as i mentioned in my last blog, over the course of the last week i have grown farther apart from the one nearest and closer to one farthest.  i still seek companionship from ne, i still want someone to fall asleep next to, someone to cuddle with, and he was good for that.  but lately we've slept in our own beds.  i'm kind of upset about it, but i know that it's my fault.  i mention austin too much.  that's because he is the one i want to be with, i know he will make me happy.  dammit, i keep thinking he's going to be the greatest and i don't know him well enough yet.  i've only gotten to know him over the course of the summer via text and yet i'm painting all these wonderful pictures in my head of how much better my life will be once we are together.  i'm setting myself up for failure here.  i just see that austin is a much better person than ne and i know he won't put me through all the bullsh*t that ne has.  ne is like a tornado, same as me, we destroy things in our paths, we ruin relationships when we see that they are going well, it's part of why we used to fit together so well.  he sees that i care for austin though and he won't come near me, unless he's drunk that is, because then he will be all over me and i have to fight him off, which then pisses him off, and you know what, ne is an asshole.  i've always known this to be true, but everything looks better through rose colored glasses.  i need to find my pair again, life was better with them, oh i think i left them in texas actually, that would explain why this summer has sucked, at least part of the reason anyway.  where were we?  oh yeah, bitching about ne and praising austin.  i just want someone who genuinely cares about me, and i think he does.  however, i have picked up the drunken pieces of ne too many damn times and i've gotten nothing but drunk texts from austin lately.  i know he's unhappy at his job and wants me back but i am tired of picking up other peoples lives when i get nothing in return.  this another problem i have with ne and i hope austin will pull it together when i get there because i'm done.  i want to be cared for and loved like i do for others.  grr.  wow i really just needed a good rantfest because no one here is willing to listen as i am for them.  f*ck heads.  this is why i'm shooting for 12 days.  twelve.  t.w.e.l.v.e.  i can make it.  i've made it this far.  let's just hope i don't kill ne by then.