week 12 : reflecting back on christmas in july

i learned a lot about myself in the long month of july.  i have found new loves.  i have made mistakes.  i have had a great time.  i've also had a lot of upsetting moments.  a few stressful moments too.  and i would not take anything back.  i think july is going down as my favorite month for the summer. 

i'm generally the person who likes to be close to home around Christmas time.  i never like to be alone.  i'm always wanting to be near to the people i love.  and i love spending as much time with my family as i can.  but last night i learned, more so than ever before in my 23 years of living, that it is okay to spend Christmas with people who are not blood related.  no matter how much you dislike each other, everyone comes together to make sure everyone is happy and loved.  we concluded our week of secret santa last night.  and for the first time, other than within the first week at the mac, everyone was truly happy.  it was an amazing thing to witness.

mr. ne is coming to ny.  he will be here in a week and a half.  and although i am excited to see the guy i was once in love with, i know it will not be the same, i know that he might probably be coming for all the wrong reasons, that maybe i pressured him into coming.  he is getting out of strike at his job to get here in time for the build.  i have changed so much since leaving utah, but i feel my mindset might be back near that of the time i spent there.  and he has changed a lot as well.  we have both matured immensely.  and i highly doubt that things will be the same.  i doubt we'll pick up where we left off.  i think he might truly like me still, and never realized how much he liked me until i was gone.  it's been a year.  and i'm not sure of what will happen.  i fear that i tricked him into coming.  i failed to inform him of the living and working conditions.  i think though he's just looking to get out of utah and this is his first step.  it'll give him a month to figure out his future.  and i know that i'm the other half to the real reason he's coming.

tx gave me another reason to hate him.  ok, so hate's such a strong word, dislike.  i have 1.5 months left and we are continuing to grow apart.  i feel that he's giving me every reason to want to be in austin, showing me that i shouldn't have left, maybe.  last night, though, made me feel that i made the right choice.  just one night of happiness turned my world around.  we'll see what happens this next week though.  we start changeover tonight into mame.  it's a HUGE set show with very few sound effects and i'm not using all my mics.  if i can survive this week, i'll get to see ne middle of next.

and to pass any time not spent in rehearsals, my new obsession: etsy.  buy and sell vintage and homemade items.  i'm in love.  i want to spend so much of my money there, it's unhealthy.