check... one... two... is this thing on?

umm... hello?  my name is jo and i have been away from my blog for months now.  (hi jo.)

well hello there readers, i'm back.  life was crazy busy in austin, so no time to update.  but i'm no longer there, and haven't been since february.  i'm now in hell paso. oh, sorry, el paso.  i live in a cute one bedroom seven hundred something square feet apartment with the boy, aka boss.  we have lots of problems, but we're working them out.  we've learned a lot about each other in the past six months, but i think we're headed to a positive place again.  yes, we've been together for six months.  can't remember the last time i was in a relationship lasting this long. 

i'm not excited to be in my current place.  like i said boy and i have been having lots of issues, i work in a dead end job, and we both are barely scraping by.  many times i wonder if moving out here was a mistake, but where else would i have gone?  i had no place to live in austin.  the only other option was the move back in with the parentals at the age of 24 with no job.  no thanks.  life is filled with lessons, i have a lot to learn from this current experience i've put myself in.  i'm hoping things will start to pick up in the next month or so, not sure how much longer i can live with little money.

enough of the bad news about me.  i work on an army base in mexico (ok it's really in texas but it's right by the border, so it's mexico here).  my only friends are those i see at work every day.  i hang out with army guys (and girls) on the weekends.  i've seen the core of the army lifestyle.  and i am baffled and appalled.  i've seen those who are true to their man in uniform and i've seen those who cheat the moment their man is gone.  i've seen women who can stand on their own when their husband is gone and those who are lost without him by their side.  i now see that there is no way i could ever have that lifestyle.  i made good friends with this one guy who wanted to date me, but after seeing everything that i have, i've stopped talking to him.  the guys out here are a whole new breed from what i'm used to.  since i work on base i thought it best to wear a fake wedding ring so not to get hit on all day.  guys will ask if i'm seeing someone, or ask if i'm married, etc and once they hear yes they ask where he's at so they can go ask him if it's ok to take me on a date.  or they ask where he is so he can go kick is ass.  or tell me that i'd be better off with them instead of my guy.  the guys are friggen desperate out here and it's sad.  they see a girl and everyone pounces.  now we see why i wear a fake ring. 

hmm.... what else is new in life?  not much.  i miss theatre.  i work a lot.  i'm the boy's right hand at work. and left actually; he'd be unorganized and lost without me even though this is his business.  i'm working towards being his admin.  heat exhaustion sucks.  i'm closer to the sun, so i have a nice farmers tan/burn.  i have a chinchilla named squirrelly.  sand storms might be the death of me.  i miss rain.  and water.  i'm still just trying to find my place in the world.  and now i'm trying to find my next dream.

life in austin

so it's been a very long while since i have updated.  i've been so busy.  all i do is work and sleep, literally.  it kinda sucks, but i'm trying to prove myself in my newest business. 

i'm currently living in my third and final place in austin, i got kicked out of my friend's over a month ago.  i was friends with this girl in high school and she helped me move out after austin kicked me out and said i could sleep on her couch "as long as i needed."  cool.  only her roommate is a prude.  and planted some obscure images in her head that the latest guy i'm dating had a key to the apartment and was rummaging the place while we weren't there.  so i got kicked out.  haven't spoken to my friend since. 

i no longer work at the restaurant.  i quit awhile back because there was too much bs and drama and it just wasn't working out.  and working a full time and part time job just wasn't working out either. 

i'm living with the guy i've been dating.  i've been here for a few weeks now, we started dating around halloween.  he's my boss, well kinda.  he's the guy that hired me, the assistant manager of the company, so yeah, kinda my boss.  there's a lot of crap that comes with it in the office, such as the owner being a hypocritical bitch and not liking us together although she's been dating the guy that hired her for god knows how long.  i like this guy.  he met my parents on thanksgiving.  he's meeting my mom's side this next weekend for family christmas.  i'm meeting his parents during christmas.  it's my very first major holiday i'm not going home.  it broke my mom's heart.  but i'm growing up, and i have a guy who means a lot to me in my life now.  in january we are moving out of austin to go to houson for a few months before moving to denver.  he's opening up his own office out there, but first has to open a satellite office in houston to prove to the company he can run a business.  so in a few weeks he will be my actual boss.  and we'll be living in houston together.  and then denver.  to start a life together.  weird.

my job is kinda cool.  i work WAY too much though.  it was a great job when i first started, good hours, not bad pay, awesome coworkers.  now the hours changed and i work 12 hour days.  i wake up at 6:30am, leave by 7:30, work 8:30am-7:30pm.  sometimes we don't get home until 9.  so i eat and fall asleep in boss' lap as we watch tv on the couch.  and i work 6 days a week.  i can't take it any more.  i'm over worked, exhausted, and i'm not taking care of my body.  but i've been fighting to prove to myself and everyone else (mainly the owner) that i can make it in this business.  and i think i might finally get my promotion by the end of next week.  next step, houston.

i'm so ready to be out of austin.  i know, i know, i was so excited to move here.  but i've been kicked out of two places, i have nothing tying my here, things haven't seemed to work out, so why not continue to find my place in the world.  i'm still young.  granted, i didn't try too hard to make life work here, i just let things happen and fall into place.  just didn't expect to move three times within my first two months.  i'm happy with where i'm at in life, and i'm happy with boss, so i'm going to go experience life with him. 

that's basically my life right now.  work.  boss.  work.  exciting huh?

procrastination and three jobs

they don't go hand in hand together, let me tell you.

i'm been severely busy as of late, and it won't stop for a while.  so posts might come few and far between. 

i don't have time for anyone on my laundry list and i'm done playing games for now.

i now have two jobs, one full time, one part time.  i might lose the part time when i tell them i can't work one of the three shifts they actually give me.  it will suck, but i'll get my weekend nights back.  i work on fort hood often and see those men in uniforms nonstop.  but almost all army guys are the same, they are all hornballs who cheat and lie and cause nothing but drama and bullsh*t.  but i still have my guy in there.  army is a friend from high school, one of my best friends, been there through thick and thin.  and we are discussing the signing of a legal document.  like, legit considering it.  me.  really?  wow.  but for all the wrong reasons, and it's not actually serious.

but there is a new guy i'm interested in.  big boss man.  he's not really the boss, but he did hire me, and he is above me in rank at my new job.  and it's already caused drama.  fml.  and like i said, i'm done playing games.  i need to discuss the situation with him and let him know what's going on in my head.

i finally saw austin.  we're going to try to be friends.  it was awkward seeing him.  but he finally has his key back.  and i sent him a drunk text the other night.  that was fun.  (note the sarcasm)

emo is gone.  sad day.  i didn't get to see him one last time, but i wish him all the best for sure.  mma is your typical douche.  i get to work with him and twin tonight.  this guy looks identical to a guy i worked with in college, only more muscular and f-ing GORGEOUS!  i like him.  he's fun.  but if the legal document does in fact get signed, all hell will break lose and the flood gates of drama will burst, and bullshit will be had.  life will get kicked up to a whole new level that i've never seen before.  i just don't have the time or energy for that with these two jobs.

my next step

so after doing some pondering for a week or two i have finally decided what my next step is.  i'm the type that fully believes in following your dreams because they do come true.  by the age of 24 i accomplished my life long dream of being a sound engineer.  on to the next now.  i thought about becoming a baker.  i've wanted to for a while now, thought briefly about going to culinary school once i get some funds, but i had an epiphany.  i am going to become an event/wedding planner.  i've wanted to, not for as long as the baker thing, but i do want to.  and i think it's the right move for me right now.  it was a light bulb type moment once i realized that i can, and so i am.  but how?  not sure yet.  just starting to look into it now.  i am the girl who's been planning her wedding since i was a little girl.  and so naturally, i guess, it's something that i want to do: plan other people's fairy tale weddings.  and i think i'm at a point in my life where it seems like a good move.  so yeah, that's my next goal to aim for, my next dream to follow, my next step to take.

onto the next *EDIT*

so it's been a week since the whole fiasco unfolded.  i am sleeping on an air mattress in my friend's dinning room, which we made into my make-shift room.  it works, i guess.  it'll have to do, at least.  this is not one of my brightest ideas i'm sure, kind of like the utah idea.  i'm losing money being in austin, but i love this city and i want to stay.  however, i had an interview with a theatre out in florida.  i haven't been offered the job yet and it was a pretty bad interview, whatever.  i can survive on the pay out there, they provide housing, it's a great job for the resume, blah blah blah.  but it's a BIG move.  and it's still hurricane season, isn't it?  and i want to stay here.  i need to seriously consider all  my possibilities before they call me back, which should be by next week.  i just don't know.  i love the city.  i love being down here. 

i'm slowly making friends here.  my ex f*cked me over, but i'm on my feet, i'm surviving without his sorry ass helping me.  and i have my amazing friends and my job to thank.  i love my job, it's a sh*tty job, doesn't pay all my bills, but it's better than nothing.  i have had my schedule changed more times that i've been on the schedule at this point.  but i think i finally have a set schedule, we'll see what happens when i go into work tonight.  and yeah, it's not always ideal, i work grave shift thurs-sat and pull a double on sat.  i can't go out and party on 6th street with every other normal person in austin, but i like my job so i'll take what i can get.  and my customers have helped me deal with the bullsh*t of last week.  i have drunk (and sober) guys coming in at all hours of the night telling me how pretty i am, giving me thier number, and asking to hang out after work.  and a few coworkers have done the same.  keep feeding the ego guys, i'm loving it!  it has made me, not necessarily get over, but at least feel better about austin and the situation that i've been thrown into.  it's not ideal, but it's working for now. 

i'm looking for a second job.  i know i won't be able to partake in theatre any time soon with this work schedule, but i've accomplished that dream.  on to the next, right?  i still haven't fully thought about what life would be like without the one thing that i've had for the past ten plus years of my life.  can i live without theatre?  i think so.  maybe.  i'm also looking at my next dream, seeing where i want to take my life from here.  i've found the place i want to settle down.  now i just need to figure out my next career move, be it in or out of theatre.  i've always wanted to be a baker, making wedding cakes, cupcakes, cookies, whatever, just sharing love through sweets.  so i think that's my next step.  maybe.  i need money to get into culinary school.  maybe i'll just stay in the dinning room on an air mattress in my friend's apartment while i do some soul searching.

i have started dating again.  i used to hate dating.  and i haven't done it in so long.  i dated a guy in utah (aka tn) a few years ago.  i've gone out as friends with some guys.  and i guess i've had a few single dates here and there.  but never been on a series of dates with a complete stranger since before i graduated college.  yet somehow i end up with guys all the time.  but i'm dating again.  and it's fun.  i'm more comfortable with myself than i was back in college, so i open up more, i'm less nervous on dates now.  let the laundry list begin!

there's this guy, emo, we'll call him, adorable, like seriously, i want to wrap him up in my pocket and keep him.  he's not completely attractive.  he has tattoo sleeves.  wears pants tighter than me.  dyed dark hair.  all black.  you know, the emo kid.  he's 27, plays guitar, looking to be an musician.  no real set goals, not really going anywhere in life.  he's actually about to move to nyc, best of luck to him.  i work with him, he's a pretty chill dude.  i like him.  when he's sober that is.  i don't know why i was naive and didn't put two and two together.  emo kid, why am i surprised he does some hard sh*t?  seriously?!  he's a different person when he's on drugs, still a cool dude, just not someone i want to spend time with.  but i've hung out with him a few times, he's chill, i like him.  i'm just meeting people.  he knows i don't do drugs and found an old friend and left with her last night from the bar.  that's cool, i made sure his friend made it home ok... ;)

bass.  he plays bass with emo.  cuter than emo, less tattoos, less emo, less druggie, so a better version of emo boy.  bass is in the same boat i am, down to a T.  (it's amazing how many people share my story of my current situation!)  moved down here to be with a chic, she's f*cked up, long story, he broke up with her about 6 weeks ago because she's not getting the help she needs.  he's still heart broken, dealing with getting over her, and i am doing the same with austin.  i doubt this will go anywhere, we just met last night, but i'm curious to see if we keep in touch.  and i'm curious to see what happens when i see emo at work in a few hours.

there's this other guy at work who got my number the same night emo did.  mma.  he has goals, ambitions, pretty cute, muscles.  but he reminds me of a friend in ft worth, looks almost identical, total turn off.  i gave him my number a week ago, still hasn't called.  i'm gonna have to have a talk with this kid.  i just want one date to see what he's like outside of work.  we flirt all the time there, so why won't he call?

two guys were in town for acl from san diego.  cuties.  got a number.  sd1 might move down here in the future.  he'll let me know if/when he does.  too bad sd2 was more attractive and more my type.  oh well.  i'm just having fun!  :)

haha, one more.  i've let this guy back into my life, probably a poor decision and i know it was for all the wrong reasons, but i did it, we'll see what happens.  i texted keys yesterday to let him know i was back in texas and living in austin.  we're planning to grab a drink in the near future to catch up.  i'm making sure austin knows we're friends.

**EDITED IN*  i forgot about a guy.  like i said, laundry list.  my manager.  bless his heart.  total cutie.  quirky (but aren't we all?)  and he has been flirting with me ever since he first laid eyes on me.  and i dig him.  but manager, really?  i can't do that, can i?  no.  no i can't.  i know that.  but my judgement skills are lacking currently.  grr.

one last thing to make my life oh so grand.  i still have the apartment key and gate card to austin's apartment.  do i text him and let him know?  do i just show up when he's not there and drop it off?  do i keep it until he asks for it back?  any input from my mystery readers???

sh*t has hit the fan

just when i thought my life was settling down i find out it's not.  i was drama free, happy, starting a new life in a new city with someone who i thought cared for me, i had a job, and a theatre gig.  now i'm stuck between a rock and a hard place with no where to go and no one who can really help.  i'm done trying to explain the situation, so if you know what happened then congratulations.  i will however post the downright rude text messages that i received for your reading pleasure.  in addition, i'll try to replay the entire conversation with my replies to the best of my memory.  enjoy!


her: hi beth. this is seans ex gf sarah. i was going through his stuff and found you're staying at his place. i will be in town tomorrow with 4 of my girlfriends staying at his place for acl weekend. just so you know.
me: um, ok. when are you coming into town?
her: tomorrow morning. i would clear out. i'm trying to work things out with sean so you being there isn't going to work.
me: um yeah no, i'm not leaving sorry.
her: ok well good thing i have a key. we will be there tomorrow morning. just wanted to give you a heads up. hope you have a blow up mattress.  :)
me: yeah um just so you know, i'm living here with him and not just as a roommate so any plan to get back with him isn't going to work out well for you. sorry.
her: lol, you've lived there for a week.  you're like a 5 and im a 10. i wouldn't be too confident sweetheart.
me: sure whatever you say.
her: (insert picture of her here) sorry, i'm more gorgeous than you. get out of my bfs apartment before things get ugly.
her: i could send more pics from my modeling portfolio if you're interested.
her: (insert another picture here)
me: and yet i'm the one who's living with him now, obviously i have something you don't.
her: lol, it's cute you think it's something more but snap out of it princess.
her: you're staying to find a job. i know you're unemployed i have a job and you're free loading. go back to your low budget apartment complex in south side dallas.
me: sweetie i have a job but thanks for your concern.
her: then why are you in austin looking for one? i heard mcdolalds is hiring!
me: honey, my job is in austin. why are you even worried about my life? there's a reason you're no longer with him, i'm sorry you're jealous.
her: lolololololol.  you're not with him that's all i know. we will have fun tonight at the show while you're at home. good thing i got that suite with him downtown ;) jealous? haha you wish
her: hey doll. we have had a great night so you might want to rethink the little camp site you set up at seans
 
 
 
i know she was bluffing the whole time, he had a show, so i know there was no suite.  i have no clue really as to how she found out my life story and my number, she hacked into sean's computer or something.  here's what i do know: i deserve better than him, he deserves better than her.  this is all just a f*cked up mess and i'm out.

big girl life

after a little over a year and a half of living the gypsy lifestyle i have settled down.  i have my first job interview tomorrow morning and first crew meeting for my first theatre gig in my new city.  i've always been fortunate enough to have a job lined up wherever i go.  i had a job right out of college, which is a rare thing this day and age.  now granted, it didn't pay the bills and support my habits and i lost money, but it was a decent job and it was something good to start my professional resume and career with.  then i went out of theatre for a month before finding a new job in a new city.  now after that job i had nowhere to go, so i moved back in with the parents at the ripe age of twenty three.  eventually i found some work bartending which lead to a bad time in my life but was able to get myself out of that hole and go back to the same place i had worked that previous summer.  i had my parents to support me while i was unemployed though, which was nice; i had a roof over my head, my meals paid for, all i had to do was pay my bills.  luckily i wasn't jobless for an extended period of time and made a good amount of cash bartending.  after i went back to the gig for the summer, i then had nothing else afterwards lined up.  i'm now twenty four, i no longer find it ok to live off of the parental support system, so i packed up my bags and moved in with a guy i know.  i still haven't officially moved in yet, it's a weird situation and neither of us are confrontational, so we're just going day by day at this point.  but as of tonight, i am here to stay, with no job, no income, and bills that still need to be paid.  but i have a glimpse of hope now with this interview.  hopefully, although a crappy job, i will get it.  and if i'm really lucky, i'll get a phone call from this other place that pays better and is full time, opposed to this part time minimum wage job.  and in the mean time, i have a theatre gig, although not a great gig, it's something.  it's volunteer for a, how should we say, interesting play.  but it will get me meeting new people and keep my foot in the theatre door, hopefully i will be able to work for the production company or the theatre after this show.  i'm still a stranger in a strange land, but i'm starting a new life in a new city.  a fresh start to this no longer gypsy.  i am content with life for now (although i think it might have a little to do with being drama free!).  bring on the big girl life!

a boy for every season

The time has finally come for an update for my life after the mac. I have since left ne behind and have not heard from him at all. I sent him a text and never got a response. Slightly upsetting, yet not surprising. He told me while we in ny that he had always kept in contact with me throughout our year apart, that is in fact a lie, the only time he did text me was out of the blue when he was drunk and/or heartbroken or upset. He used me to make him feel better all the while he did nothing but upset me and hurt me. And I’m finished. I’m through. I’ve had enough. I am walking away and I will never see him again and I’m more than ok with this. He can suck my ass. I wish him all the luck in his new badass job, however I hope he is out of my life completely now.


On my way back home I stopped to see ut because it was a free place to stay. I ended up being there for three nights and two whole days. I had a fun time there, met some of his coworkers, got to see some shows for free. I’ve not been able to actually sit down and watch a show without being a part of it in many years, so it was quite enjoyable. Of course I sat there and critiqued and compared each show to how I ran things. And I thought about how I would have done it differently. But I run my shows completely different than the way they do there. It was nice to see a theatre that was actually like a family, the way it’s supposed to be. My house was very distant from each other, no one really hung out, everyone was just there to do their job and go home. And everyone was always unhappy for whatever reason, no one actually wanted to be there. Not what I’m used to. I’m used to people hanging out together, going to bars, having family dinners, sitting around talking, just being an overall family. And this place was, I feel that it would be a good place for me to work. And the a2 is about to quit and his contract is almost up, so I might, hopefully, maybe, doubtful, but maybe be getting a phone call in a few months asking me to go out there. That’d be nice, but I doubt it. Plus I don’t think I can stand living with the ex. It’d be too painful, I’m still a jealous person and he still has feelings for me. He’s attached to me as I am to ne. I think I can still remain friends with ut, I’d kind of like that, he’s a good guy, I just can’t spend more than three days with him.

And now I’m home. Went to see my parents, they missed me, they’re glad I’m back. I just don’t feel like my room in their house is the place for me right now. It’s not where I belong currently, it’s nice though to be able to still have it to fall back on. Currently I’m in Austin visiting Austin. Things are where we left off. Texting all summer long definitely helped out relationship, we are not nearly as awkward as we were when I left. We know each other a little better now too. So we are closer. And it’s nice. I feel that there is definitely something here worth sticking around for. I like him, he’s cute, sweet, adorable, funny, and we have a lot in common, we also have a lot of differences. We are learning about each other, we are each full of surprises and it’s fun getting to know someone on an intimate level, it’s been a while for me, and I’m rather enjoying it. I’m still working out the details to see if I can in fact move down here. I’d like to, it’s a great place for me, so much culture and diversity, it’s city but also has country, there’s a lake, some good places to hiking, more places to just go walking, so much art, so much to do, so much food and alcohol. Like I said, it’s a great place for me, an artsy city girl who enjoys a good hike. We’ll see what happens. I’m on my toes for now going back and forth between Austin and Dallas just trying to figure out my next step in life.

week 18 (part 2) : the final chapter

Well this is goodbye, the end of you and me
We’ve set this boat ablaze and pushed it out to sea
And nothing that’s on board will survive
This is goodbye

Well this is goodbye, not the kind we’ve had before
We’re out of one more tries, there won’t be anymore
And all the grays have turned to black and white
This is goodbye

This is hard, this is hell
This is pain like I have never felt
This is final, love has failed
This is walking away from us to save ourselves
This is goodbye

Well this is goodbye, in my heart there’s no doubt
Cause I can feel the broken pieces trying to cut their way out
Some of them I know I’ll never find
This is goodbye

This is hard, this is hell
This is pain like I have never felt
This is final, love has failed
This is walking away from us to save ourselves
This is goodbye
This is final, love has failed
This is walking away from us to save ourselves
This is goodbye
This is goodbye

this is goodbye - randy rogers band



i've made new friends.  embedded memories into my mind.  had some laughs and i've shed some tears.  it is now time for me to leave this place, to close this chapter in my life.  it is very bittersweet.  i'm excited to go home but so very sad to say goodbye to these people who were my family over the course of the last few months.  i know i will never see any of these people again, and that's what hurts the most.  we became close, we were there for each other though the good times and the bad, we laughed together, drank a lot together, got into arguments, and now we all must move onto our next mission in life.  i can't keep doing this, i can't keep living this lifestyle.  i am so tired of packing my bags every few months and even more tired of leaving the people i care for.  i just want to forever be with those who i love, no saying goodbye.  life would be so much simpler.  and boring too, i'm sure.  but this is the gypsy life, the life of a freelancer.  my life.  and this is goodbye.

the fuzzy future of a worry wart

so i awoke this morning in the cold house a little distraught.  austin has been on my mind a lot as of late, but the fear of unemployment has been more of a burden in my thoughts.  as i have mentioned before, i have been painting this wonderful picture of my future, living unemployed in austin with him.  the time is getting nearer so i'm thinking about it more and more, getting more anxious with each passing day.  i know he is a sweetheart, he is kind and caring, a little shy.  since i don't know him fully, or at all really, i must imagine what else he might be like.  you know, the kind that will make sure others are happy before he his, a bit of a hard ass when it comes to work, if you piss him off (mainly the ppl he works with) he will eventually snap and will definitely laugh at you when you fail because he believes in karma (that last part is actually true, sorry drummer boy), the person who will offer whatever he can to ensure your well being.  ok, now with that last one being said, i can tell you that part might be fully true.  he did offer me his apartment to stay at, i suggested only while i was looking for a place of my own, he was talking full time.  that's wonderful, he's only there half the time with his job and it'll cut back his rent once i find a job, and will be fairly cheap comparatively with rent in austin for me; we'll go 50/50, it'll be great, right?  haha, no.  so i have come to realize that he has offered his place to many others as well, and not just anyone, the female kind.  um, ok, i know i haven't been there all summer, but we have talked about it at various points throughout.  and we discussed it a few days ago again.  and yet i still find all the girls posting on his facebook about "oh, hey, i'm coming to austin, can't wait to see you" "i'll be at the show, we should hang out" "hey, i'm moving to austin, you might get a new roomie".  what. the. hell?!  i know i'm jumping to conclusions here, but seriously?  you tell me time and time again that "you've been waiting for me to get back" "you haven't been with anyone" "you don't share well with others".  yeah, well things are nearly the same way with me buddy boy!  i was waiting too.  yes i flirted (ok, a lot) but i didn't get with anyone until i started seeing these messages for chics (and you even told me yourself that you have looked but never touched, honey i know you work for a band, you've seen more tits at shows than at a friggen strip club!!).  and i sure as hell don't share well with others!  aahhhh!!!  soon i will find out the truth.  i can't just bombard him with text messages asking him about all these girls, but i will mention it to him when i see him.  not for a while still though.  and if all else fails, i guess i'll have to move back to dallas in with my parents at the age of 24.  f.m.l.  i need a new career path.

week 18 (pt 1) : this is the end, my only friend, the end

in four days i leave.  i am ready.  i will miss my friends here but i need to leave.  ne causes nothing but pain and trouble any time we're around each other.  and i need him out of my life.  even though i care about him deep down and i always will.  but i need his unhealthy atmosphere away from me.  i know i will never see him again and it makes me sad but i need him out of my life again.  i'm more sane, i'm more level headed, i'm safe.  with him i get into trouble, i cause pain to myself, him, and everyone important in my life.  there's just too much emotional damage done and it's not yet over.  in four days i get to leave, drive to see ut to have my fun there.  that will cause more problems, but i can keep them from happening.  so long as i'm not an emotion wreck from saying goodbye to ne.  the light at the end of my tunnel is austin.  i cannot wait to see him again.  to be happy, to be with him, to have a normal relationship.

i have three days left of shows, four shows to run, and a half of a day of putting gear in storage.  four shows and i might not do theatre again for a long while.  i should cherish these last four shows in the next three days.  however the people at this theatre annoy me so.  making me excited to leave in four days.  it's a scale, when i'm away from the theatre i'm sad that i have four shows left.  when i'm there, i'm ready to run as fast as i can from here.  four shows.  then no more theatre.  four days then i'm away from the people who have driven me almost to an insane asylum.  i leave on monday.  four shows in three days, leave in four days. 

bitter.  sweet.

week 17 : down to the wire

this is my next to last post from the great state of new york.  in 12 days, if i'm lucky, if not then 13, i will be hitting the road again.  12 days.  damn.  i'm kind of in panic mode.  i have no job after here, no real plan.  my current plan is to go live off of hopes and dreams.  i've made it this far on them, so i should be ok.  beside, i know things will fall into place once i am back in my home state, and once i am settled into my new place of residence.  as i mentioned in my last blog, over the course of the last week i have grown farther apart from the one nearest and closer to one farthest.  i still seek companionship from ne, i still want someone to fall asleep next to, someone to cuddle with, and he was good for that.  but lately we've slept in our own beds.  i'm kind of upset about it, but i know that it's my fault.  i mention austin too much.  that's because he is the one i want to be with, i know he will make me happy.  dammit, i keep thinking he's going to be the greatest and i don't know him well enough yet.  i've only gotten to know him over the course of the summer via text and yet i'm painting all these wonderful pictures in my head of how much better my life will be once we are together.  i'm setting myself up for failure here.  i just see that austin is a much better person than ne and i know he won't put me through all the bullsh*t that ne has.  ne is like a tornado, same as me, we destroy things in our paths, we ruin relationships when we see that they are going well, it's part of why we used to fit together so well.  he sees that i care for austin though and he won't come near me, unless he's drunk that is, because then he will be all over me and i have to fight him off, which then pisses him off, and you know what, ne is an asshole.  i've always known this to be true, but everything looks better through rose colored glasses.  i need to find my pair again, life was better with them, oh i think i left them in texas actually, that would explain why this summer has sucked, at least part of the reason anyway.  where were we?  oh yeah, bitching about ne and praising austin.  i just want someone who genuinely cares about me, and i think he does.  however, i have picked up the drunken pieces of ne too many damn times and i've gotten nothing but drunk texts from austin lately.  i know he's unhappy at his job and wants me back but i am tired of picking up other peoples lives when i get nothing in return.  this another problem i have with ne and i hope austin will pull it together when i get there because i'm done.  i want to be cared for and loved like i do for others.  grr.  wow i really just needed a good rantfest because no one here is willing to listen as i am for them.  f*ck heads.  this is why i'm shooting for 12 days.  twelve.  t.w.e.l.v.e.  i can make it.  i've made it this far.  let's just hope i don't kill ne by then.

week 16 : wake me up when september ends

there has been so much yet so little that has happened.  too many drunken arguments with two different individuals.  a benefit for the murdered.  moonshine lullabies.  tears shed.  mistakes made.  regrets justified.  grown closer to the one far away and grew farther from the one nearest.  20 days and counting and my life is gonna go for another spin.  this might be my last theatre job for a while.  i can't wrap my head around anything right now.  i can't believe i've lasted all summer.  twenty days is right around the corner but i still have 8 performances of showboat and i still have to open birdie.  when looked at it show wise, the end is still so far, but twenty days, holy crap!

end of summer cabaret

we just had our end of season cabaret.  makes it seem more real that the summer is almost over.
we're a family here.  but once we leave, we will never see nor talk to anyone we grew close to.
that's the sad truth of it, it's how summer stock works.
23 more days until i leave.
next sunday most everyone will partake in their final day.
i'm saddened by this.  but after getting things a little more in order back home, i'm more than ready to leave.  i'm actually excited to visit home, to be with him.
i'm not saying good-bye yet though.  i refuse to.  i'm going to continue to smile and have a good time with my friends, my family, here. 

Kiss today goodbye,
The sweetness and the sorrow.
Wish me luck, the same to you.
But I can't regret
What I did for love, what I did for love.
Look my eyes are dry.
The gift was ours to borrow.
It's as if we always knew,
And I won't forget what I did for love,
What I did for love.
Gone,
Love is never gone.
As we travel on,
Love's what we'll remember.
Kiss today goodbye,
And point me t'ward tomorrow.
We did what we had to do.
Won't forget, can't regret
What I did for
Love
What I did for
Love
What I did for...
Love
Love is never gone
As we travel one
Love's what we'll remember
Kiss today goodbye.
And point me t'ward tomorrow.
Point me t'ward tomorrow
We did what we had to do.
Won't forget, can't regret
What I did for love.
What I did for love.
What I did for love.
Love
-"What I Did For Love" A Chorus Line

broken mirror, a letter to a friend

something i wrote to someone who i will never give it to:

why do i care?  why am i nice?  why do i put myself through hell to make you feel better?  why am i blaming myself for something that you did?  and again i ask, why do i care? 

i'm so sick and tired of trying to make you happy.  it's an impossible task and causes nothing but pain for me.  yeah, so, you're hurting, i've been there, which is why i tried to help in the first place.  but you can't be debbie downer for always and forever.  you can't mask your problems.  and alcohol will not make them disappear. 

i made a mistake by giving you the option to come out here.  but you made the first mistake by contacting me after months of silence.  why are you running?  what are you really running from?  you need to just deal with your problems head on so that you will quit moping around and quit being the town drunk.

if you want help, someone to listen, someone who won't judge you, i'm here.  just let it all out.  but i'm trying to fix something that you won't let come out.  until you open up, i'm out.  i can't deal with this.  grow up.  face your demons.  and let me be a friend, if nothing else.  don't shut out the only friend you have here.  you'll have nothing left and that will not help your problems.

i'm here for you when you are ready to open up.  i'm here for you as i always have been and always will be.  i'm here for you when you're never there for me.  i'm here for whatever you need.  i'm here for you when i know i shouldn't be.  through it all, i'm here for you.

week 15 : pipe dreams and broken records

things are moving slow as a snail here.  start week two of our three week show tomorrow.  and i'm tired of it already.  no recent development with ne.  and i'm content with this.  i don't need nor want anything serious to come out of it.  just keep each other company, deal with our demons, and leave each other behind again, probably to never see each other again.  although, we see where that statement got us last time.  ut is still always contacting me.  i don't mind.  probably just wants things to not be awkward when i get there to visit, like it was last time.  i like talking to him.  we're friends again.  it's nice.  atx formerly known as tx can't wait any longer for me to get there.  i've been asked a couple of times now what i what, who i see myself with, who's my ideal guy, what do i want out of each, etc.  here's my answer: i would, always have, wanted to end up with ne but i know it will never happen.  we are two very different people in very different parts of our lives always and still.  ut is a good person, he will always be attached to me, and a part of me will always be with him, i think we will always be friends, and if we ever end up in the same place we would date again, and i wouldn't mind that.  however it won't happen, or i don't think it will.  atx, well i just don't know about that one.  we were starting to get to know each other when i was there.  distance is continuing to tear us apart.  i'll be able to answer the questions pertaining to him in a month.  so for now, i'm gonna keep company with ne, go visit a newly redeveloped friend tn and have fun, then make it back to atx to pick up the pieces.  (broken record)

i have encountered my most difficult sound effect to date.  i need a specific recording of ed sullivan's voice.  i've had easy breezy sfxs up until now.  and i'm stuck on this one.  i don't know how i'm gonna find it.  any suggestions?  did i mention i hate birdie?  because i do.  i was in utah at a road house when the tour came through, since i was a girl i was put on wardrobe, followed around leads who walked all over me, and listened to annoying songs over and over.  and now i have to legit do it here.  i.  hate.  birdie.  and by the time i'm done with the show in ny, i will have a passion of hatred for the show.  i want this birdie to go bye bye.  and conrad, as for you, i don't love you, sorry.  (song: "we love you conrad, oh yes we do, we love you conrad.... ")  (broken record)

seeing as how i have less than a month left in this sh*t hole, i've started the dreaded job search.  no one is hiring.  i've sent my resume to a couple of places.  and searched the theatres in austin, but nothing is open.  i don't know what i'm going to do.  i just started the hunt and i'm already freaking out.  this isn't bueno.  i just want a position as an a2 at a road house, preferably in austin.  is that so much to ask? (pipe dream)

week 14 : scatter brained

alternate titles:
i hate that i can relate my life to the jersey shore
ronnie and sammie = me and ne  
here we go again
third time's a charm right? 

wrote this the day after ne arrived, meaning about 3 days ago or so:
this is my third time being with ne.  our second time to be reunited.  and we have yet again picked up where we left off.  i asked what his thoughts were on our situation and he said whatever i'm ok with is ok with him, it'd be nice if we got together but if it was too awkward then he understood.  we have a serious attraction to each other that's never gone away.  good news is i'm not in love with him anymore.  might pick that back up in the month that he's here.  not sure if i want to or not.  i mean, i do, but i don't want my heart to get broken again by this guy, he's done that a few times now.  i wrote him out of my life, was severely heartbroken, made a few mistakes, and eventually got over him.  i don't want to go through that again but i am definitely still attracted to him.  part of me wants to be with him, always has.  but i have this good thing going with tx and i want to see where that takes me to.  or am i just using tx to get a job?  my feelings are so mixed up right now with the addition of ne and not seeing tx in so long.  but everything happens for a reason.  i came to ny for a job, a job i didn't really want at the time (or throughout most of my time here) and now ne is back and i'm off to figure out life now and see if i can figure out that reason.

thoughts from today:
so things will probably never be the same.  and i'm ok with this.  i keep being reminded of the guy that i ran from, the guy i shut out of my life.  while it's nice to see him again, because it truly is, i'm ok with not seeing him again after this time spent in ny.  we're two different people.  always have been, but i've since changed while i lived in utah.  and unless he gets sober again (alcohol is his only drug) and unless he grows up, it's never going to work out.  and i've become content with this, so i believe as of now.

so my friend left last sat and while i was beyond annoyed with her, i'd do anything to trade her back in for my new roommate.  she's a smoker, or at least was, i'm not really sure.  i've only met her once, we've been on opposite schedules since her arrival, so who knows if my opinion will change.  but as of right now, i dislike her.  our room smells like stale cig smoke, and it gives me a head ache when enter into our room after a long day at the theatre.  i don't know how to prevent all my belongs from smelling the same, nor do i know how to not offend her.  but at this rate, it's gonna be a long month.

we open our last mainstage show tomorrow.  we still have our jr mainstage after that.  the end is near, yet so far away.  it's going to be a roller coaster, just like this whole summer has been.

ps, as for the ronnie and sammie/jersey show comparison:  i'm living with a guy i used to date.  i like the show, it makes me feel better about my life.  deal with it.

week 13 : bittersweet symphony

two people whom i grew close to left beginning of this week.  they went back to home to get ready for the upcoming semester.  oh college, life is somewhat dull without you.  but the real world is throwing me curve balls left and right currently.  i already miss dr cinnamon and mi.  i would have deep conversations with them, bitch fits, and lots of laughs.  family dinners are no more.  no more hippy meals.  no more pizza pizazz.  no more dirty dishes piled high.  no more used car lot parking lot.  i can't believe the summer is almost gone.  a few months ago i never though i would make it this far, but here i am, and there they go.  i lost two friends but i'm gaining another back.  someone i thought i would never see again, someone i was once in love with, someone who broke my heart, and someone who i shut out of my life for good, or so i thought.  ne is back in my life.  and it's not too different yet.  but here we are.  it's difficult.  i want to just pick up where we left off, but i don't want to rush things.  then again we only have a month and a half.  a good friend said to me "i know you don't regret, but don't regret."  i think that's my motto for the rest of summer.

a day in the life of a sound engineer

i'm home from a 14 hour day spent at the theatre, so the brain is more than fried.  i had children's show, children's workshop, two mainstage shows, and coffee house.  i hope things make sense.

i work in a theatre-in-the-round.  the seats are arranged into 4 sections.  1 is in front of me, 2 is one of the larger sections, 3 is the smallest, and 4 is the other larger one and the one that the stage is generally "facing".  aisle 2 is part of the stage, while the other aisles are entry ways to the stage, leading to the sound booth (a1), the pit (a3), and the offices (a4).  the producer paid an "expert" to place the speakers.  whomever did it is an idiot.  there is no center cluster in any section, just single speakers on the left and the right sides of the two larger sections.  there is no speaker in section three while section one and four appear to be joined with the two speakers one either side.  and there are 3 speakers above the stage, one of which the music comes from and the other pair is supposed to be vox.  vox... above the stage... where people wear mics... and you want the mics to come from that... without feedback?  uh huh.  i am unable to change anything necessary to make is sound "proper".  there is really no "good" seat.  section 3 is the worst, obviously.  back of 2 is bad as well.  the way i have made things work, be it correct or not, it's my system so i'll do as i please, is there are vox coming from the 4 house speakers and music from the stage, making the two other speakers above the stage useless due to feedback.  there is no other way to do it really.  so if you're in the front few rows, you hear nothing but music.  and no one seems to understand the logistics of sound.  it kills me really, because i see it to be common sense.  guess not.  i often get told by audience that they can't hear the vox.  i just smile and nod and say i'll do what i can to fix it so they will walk away.  i miss proscenium.  i don't remember how to work a proscenium any more though.  but it's probably like riding a bike, once you do a little it'll come back to you.  right?  (i never learned how to ride a bike, so i never have understood that expression.)   i am next to never mentioned in a review, i'm used to it.  the reviews mention how shitty the synthesizer keyboards and virtual drums sound, but that has nothing to do with me.  however, in our most recent review, the guy ripped everything imaginable apart, including me.  he said that he couldn't hear the horrible sounding keyboards.  really dude?  because i had three audience members come up to me tonight telling me they couldn't hear the vox.  i didn't do anything different from when the reviewer was there.  and to be fair, the jackass came to our first public showing, which we still have notes after.  douche.  it all depends on where you sit.  like i said, there is no good seat in this theatre-in-the round.  especially when it's in a barn on a coffee table build by farmers.

week 12 : reflecting back on christmas in july

i learned a lot about myself in the long month of july.  i have found new loves.  i have made mistakes.  i have had a great time.  i've also had a lot of upsetting moments.  a few stressful moments too.  and i would not take anything back.  i think july is going down as my favorite month for the summer. 

i'm generally the person who likes to be close to home around Christmas time.  i never like to be alone.  i'm always wanting to be near to the people i love.  and i love spending as much time with my family as i can.  but last night i learned, more so than ever before in my 23 years of living, that it is okay to spend Christmas with people who are not blood related.  no matter how much you dislike each other, everyone comes together to make sure everyone is happy and loved.  we concluded our week of secret santa last night.  and for the first time, other than within the first week at the mac, everyone was truly happy.  it was an amazing thing to witness.

mr. ne is coming to ny.  he will be here in a week and a half.  and although i am excited to see the guy i was once in love with, i know it will not be the same, i know that he might probably be coming for all the wrong reasons, that maybe i pressured him into coming.  he is getting out of strike at his job to get here in time for the build.  i have changed so much since leaving utah, but i feel my mindset might be back near that of the time i spent there.  and he has changed a lot as well.  we have both matured immensely.  and i highly doubt that things will be the same.  i doubt we'll pick up where we left off.  i think he might truly like me still, and never realized how much he liked me until i was gone.  it's been a year.  and i'm not sure of what will happen.  i fear that i tricked him into coming.  i failed to inform him of the living and working conditions.  i think though he's just looking to get out of utah and this is his first step.  it'll give him a month to figure out his future.  and i know that i'm the other half to the real reason he's coming.

tx gave me another reason to hate him.  ok, so hate's such a strong word, dislike.  i have 1.5 months left and we are continuing to grow apart.  i feel that he's giving me every reason to want to be in austin, showing me that i shouldn't have left, maybe.  last night, though, made me feel that i made the right choice.  just one night of happiness turned my world around.  we'll see what happens this next week though.  we start changeover tonight into mame.  it's a HUGE set show with very few sound effects and i'm not using all my mics.  if i can survive this week, i'll get to see ne middle of next.

and to pass any time not spent in rehearsals, my new obsession: etsy.  buy and sell vintage and homemade items.  i'm in love.  i want to spend so much of my money there, it's unhealthy.